tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66300706514967685092024-02-07T06:50:31.646-06:00Stay Salty Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-7552854282869995092022-07-01T12:40:00.000-05:002022-07-01T12:40:59.786-05:00Introduction<p> </p><p> It had been a hot minute since I have written a word, but I'm finally ready to start documenting life and musings again. I thought it would be beneficial to do an introduction post since it has been so long. </p><p><br /></p><p> Hi! My name is Alana. </p><p>Here's a list of things to paint a picture of who I am: </p><p><br /></p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Daughter of the most high king</li><li>Wife to the hard working love of my life</li><li>Mother to two children I birthed, one that I have the privilege to help raise (daughter from another mother.), and the sweet boy growing inside me who will be the cherry on top of our family. </li><li>Stay at home/ part time work from home mom</li><li>Self proclaimed singer</li><li>Born and raised Texan country girl, through and through. </li></ul>The list could go on, but you get the picture. <p></p><p> The bulk of my time and energy is poured into my husband and my kids. I work hard to meet their daily needs, and find myself feeling like I've fallen short half the time. In between the cracks I try to fill my own cup by working out regularly and spending time with friends. Quiet time with God is often on the back burner. Even though I regret this every time I catch myself having a short fuse with someone I love. You'd think I'd learn to ensure that valuable time is top priority, huh? What can I say, I'm a work in progress. </p><p><br /></p><p> All this to say, I am so looking forward to allowing God to speak through my simple life, in hopes that maybe it will reach just one person. </p><p><br /></p>Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-36969890642143898092020-01-19T14:58:00.000-06:002020-01-19T14:58:19.292-06:00It’s only the beginning <div dir="ltr" id="docs-internal-guid-cb02aa49-7fff-bcdc-a679-08d43336cb4c" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> It feels strange to say that trying to breastfeed may be one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to accomplish, but I think it could easily be true. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I has been such an emotional journey. More so than I ever imagined it would be. From Ember latching on in recovery, to her fighting feeds, to her dropping too much weight, to me starting my pumping journey, to her gaining her weight back but then refusing the breast, to getting her tongue tie revised and her still refusing to nurse… it’s been a lot. I’ve cried countless tears. I’ve yelled at God... I’ve begged Him to do something, and now I think I’m on a journey to accepting where we’re at and grieving the nursing journey I wanted. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I know that this is just the beginning of things not going my way. A good friend told me that when I found out I had to have a C-section, and another good friend said that this is just the beginning of having to trust God with my daughter. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I’m trying to take this thing one step at a time. I’m making small goals for myself. I have officially been pumping for two months as of January 18th. My next goal is to make it to three. I would love to look back a year from now and say that I pumped for a year, but I know that to make it, I need small goals. Not a huge daunting one. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Pumping takes a lot of planning and forethought. It’s time consuming. But I love every ounce of breast milk I’m able to give my daughter. </span></div>
Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-67648567601847240042020-01-10T09:31:00.000-06:002020-01-10T09:31:00.181-06:0011.13.19<div dir="ltr" id="docs-internal-guid-4fd5dfdd-7fff-ea65-ea09-a7cf6e5fdd66" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> We awoke early in anticipation of what the day was to hold. I remember being tired still from the typical night of waking to use the bathroom multiple times. I also remember feeling anxious, and not just the excited kind. Even with having weeks to prepare, I was still scared to have surgery. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I was sitting up in bed and Justin must have felt my apprehension, because without a word, he prayed over the three of us and the upcoming day. I cried, thankful for my husband. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> The short drive to the hospital had me a ball of nerves. I remember praying over and over that my parents would make it before I even had to go back. Thankfully they did. Justin and I were still in the waiting room when mom and papa came out of the elevator. We all got to go to the recovery room where I would be prepped before the cesarean. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> This started the long wait to be taken down to the OR. My cesarean was pushed back a few times. We checked into the hospital at 7AM, but didn’t go for surgery until close to 11AM. Longest hours of my life. I was so done waiting, but I had no choice. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Finally they came with my wheelchair to wheel me down to the OR. Justin had to wait outside of the OR while they prepped me and I felt that in the pit of my stomach. I remember the nurses and everyone prepping me being so nice. They were doing their best to keep me calm and for awhile it worked. By the time I was numbed and strapped to the table, I was so full of anxiety that I held back tears multiple times. I probably asked them three or four times when Justin could come in. When he finally came, I was shaking from nerves and holding back tears. Having him by me helped take a lot of my anxiety away though. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> It was time. The surgery began. I felt no pain, but all the tugging and pulling. What a weird sensation. It went so quickly. Before I knew it, Ember was being pulled from me. It took her a moment to cry. They flipped her around and then suddenly… that cry. She was okay. They lowered the drape so I could see her. Justin was able to follow her over to the warmer where she was checked, and soon it was just him and her. She was perfect. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I started to feel a little funny, a sensation of heartburn. I asked the person behind my head if this was normal. It was and it also wasn’t uncommon to get nauseated. Boy was that the truth. Before I knew what was happening, I was hit with a wave of nausea. They brought me a cool cloth, an alcohol swab to smell, and took the warm blanket off of me. I was told there was medicine they could give me, but they wanted to try the other stuff first because the medication would make me a little drowsy. It helped at first. But then it didn’t. I felt like I needed to vomit. I was dry heaving. My Doctor had to stop because I was moving too much. It was time for the medicine. I was scared and miserable. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I remember hearing my doctor say that if this didn’t work, they would have to put me under. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I didn’t want that. Going under would mean I couldn’t go back to the L&D recovery with Ember. She would be taken to the nursery and I would have to recover without her. I couldn’t let that happen. I was not doing well. They asked me if I wanted Justin and I said yes. He held my hand and talked me through it. The medicine was helping and I was also mentally able to get to a better place. Dry heaving wasn’t going to help me. There was nothing in my stomach to vomit. The nausea subsided, but the tugging and pulling still felt awful to me. The medicine has also made everything a little slow and hazy. But I was okay. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Once I was stable nausea wise, Justin got Ember from the warmer and held her by my head. My sweet daughter. I couldn’t believe she was mine. That she was *ours*. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> When I was finally stitched and glued up, my doctor said the surgery went beautifully and she was going to go update my parents. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I was transferred onto a transport bed and then it was time. Time for me to hold my daughter for the first time. She was placed on my chest skin to skin. I was in awe. I still felt a little funny because of the medicine, but I was okay. I had done it. I had birthed my daughter and lived to tell the tale. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Back at the recovery room my parents were there to meet us. Soon Justin’s parents came in with Ava so she could also meet her brand new baby sister. I was enjoying my skin to skin cuddle time with my daughter, so they all just had to look at her and wait. She was perfection. Everyone said so. I knew she was. I thanked God for her. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ember Donae Hakes 8lbs 9oz 19.5 inches long. Born November 13th 2019</span></div>
Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-7539784056507077522019-09-23T16:12:00.001-05:002019-09-23T16:12:55.366-05:0032 weeks and counting.... As I sit here, just over 7 weeks away from giving birth to my first biological child, I'm in awe that I'm so close. This has been something I've dreamed of since before I can remember, and in a lot of ways it's exceeded my expectations. <div>
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Being sick and having no energy was hard in the first trimester, but seeing my daughter on the sonograms and hearing her heart beat gave me a feeling I can't begin to describe. </div>
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The second trimester was physically really easy. It's when I started feeling her move, and when I learned that she was a girl. I had all my energy back, and I was actually starting to *look* pregnant. Emotionally though, it was a big struggle. I learned that I would have to have a C-section, instead of having the completely natural birth that I've always dreamed of. To say that I was able to take it all at face value and just see the things I should be thankful for, would be a big huge lie. My Doctor told me the news over the phone, and instead of being able to keep my wits about me and ask intelligent questions, I got off the phone as quickly as possible. Why, you ask? Because I felt a massive emotional breakdown coming. I locked myself in the bathroom at work and just sobbed for a few minutes. It would be safe to say I cried everyday for about a week before I was able to start to come to terms with my situation. I was grieving the loss of my dream. Also, I was pissed at God for not putting me back together and healing me to have my child naturally. It was a feeling of missing out on a beautiful experience. Somehow God brought me through to the other side, though. </div>
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Now on my 32nd week and in my third trimester, I have a lot better of an outlook on my birth plan. God blessed me immensely with the specialists He provided for me. They are kind and knowledgeable. I truly am looking forward to working with them. Of course I'm apprehensive of having surgery, especially since mine won't be routine, but I'm trusting that God will walk me through it and keep me safe. I'm so in love with feeling my daughter move. Even with her still inside my womb, I'm learning her personality. Every night before bed, Justin will put his mouth to my stomach and talk to her, which is honestly the highlight of my day. She gets so excited when she hears his voice. </div>
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I'm so excited for November to get here so that she can come out and meet us. Which has nothing to do with how done with being swollen and having a basketball for a stomach, I am, haha. </div>
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Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-65383757236356673522019-07-01T21:03:00.001-05:002019-07-01T21:03:21.641-05:00Adulting<br />
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Adulting is learning how to budget out your money so that you're not broke right after payday.<br />
It's keeping up with your laundry and not letting the dishes out of control. Adulting means you do what you have to do to take care of yourself and your family (if you have one). It means you put off that weekend away you wanted, so you can catch-up financially.<br />
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Being an adult isn't exactly fun much of the time, but it can be rewarding. The wife and mom life is exhausting, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have longed for this life for my entire life. It't harder than I ever imagined, but I was made for this. I was made to love my husband and children. I'm honestly in awe of the fact that God has brought me to this point. I'm working. I'm growing. I'm fighting hard everyday, and I won't stop!<br />
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Adulting is just a fact of life.Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-15326662596222974032019-03-13T14:10:00.001-05:002019-03-13T14:10:17.042-05:00Trust<br />
You know, they don't tell you how hard the transitions of life are going to be. They don't tell you about the trials, hick-ups, and unforeseen issues. They don't tell you that financial stability is a joke for most people.<br />
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I'm newly married, and a new homeowner. I honestly am so blessed with the life God has given me. My husband is loving and attentive. I adore my bonus-daughter. Our new home is beautiful.... there's always a "but". It ultimately comes down to money. Our house is placed, the land cleared, but we've come up short. As seems to be the trend. I know that this, along with so much else in life, is a beautiful test of faith and trust in my Heavenly Daddy, but I'd be lying if I told you I'm not sick to my stomach with anxiety. I just want to live in my new home. I want for everything to be hooked up and ready for us. I don't want my faith to be trusted. I just want to skip right to the blessing at the end. I'm sick with worry of how everything is going to come together, and how we'll get it all paid for. This is our home. It's not something we can cut corners on or half-ass.<br />
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Don't get me wrong, God has already shown-up in mighty ways. Which just makes it more ridiculous that I'm struggling to sit at His feet, instead of pacing anxiously. I can't see the end, so I worry. All I can see is what hasn't been done and the dollar signs adding up. Truthfully, I'm allowing myself to become painfully weighed down. I need to give Jesus my burdens.<br />
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<i><span style="color: red;">"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." </span></i></div>
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<i>Matthew 11:28-30</i></div>
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<i>Abba, </i></div>
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<i> I ask you for help. I sit here, laying my burdens at the foot of the cross. They are not mine to carry. Help me to not pick them up anymore, and if I do, remind me to set them down again. I choose to trust you to take care of my family and I. It's hard to see how right-now, but I know that you love us and you will not leave us high and dry. </i></div>
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<i> I thank you for all that you've already done. You've already shown up in mighty ways, and I trust that you will never stop doing so. </i></div>
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<i> Give us guidance as we move forward, and wisedom to know when to wait. Pour your peace over us. </i></div>
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<i> We love you, Dad. </i></div>
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<i>In Jesus Name, Amen</i></div>
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Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-9668730366324860832018-10-11T14:33:00.000-05:002018-10-11T14:33:06.348-05:00Calling<br />
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I have this tendency to forget the calling which was placed on my life. Not just the calling of worship (<i>though I know without a shadow of doubt that worship is something in which I have been called</i>).<br />
I have been called to be a light. I have been called to shine Jesus. I have been called to change atmospheres. In my day to day life I come into contact with many people, and for a few minutes at a time, they are looking to me. Now, to them, they may only be speaking to me so I can get their next appointment scheduled, but that in no way removes the responsibility I carry.<br />
It is my choice whether I speak life or death. It is up to me if I am going to just idly go about my day, or if I will take hold of the opportunity I have been given to make a difference.<br />
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Something I have been working on is having a quiet time each morning. How can I expect to pour out onto others, when I haven't filled up? You see, I know that, as a christian, I am an atmosphere changer. If I've filled up with Jesus and geared myself up for the day, perhaps I might walk into a room and shine light. My attitude has power. My words have power. My actions have power. They either show Jesus or they don't. There is no middle ground. So what will my choice be?<br />
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<i>Life or Death?</i>Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-23941256232066828462018-01-21T20:03:00.001-06:002018-01-21T20:03:16.382-06:00Hope<br />
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<b> Hope: a desired expectation</b></div>
<b> </b>I used to think that hope was basically the same thing as wishing for something, but I've learned that a "wish" is far to flimsy to be compared to "hope". Hope has solid footing. Hope, while different goes hand in hand with faith. Faith is essentially trust. You can't hope for something without first having faith in something.<br />
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I'm a hope filled person. I live my life in such a way that I'm hoping for things to come. The issue is, my hope is typically too focused on the thing I want to happen, and not placed in the one who will never let me down. So, when something changes and hope is taken out of a situation, I'm left in a place of despair. Instead of having faith in Abba, and hope for His desires for my life, I tend to have faith in what "I" can make happen, or faith in another person. Basically, building my house on sand instead of solid rock.<br />
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It is my firm belief that God made me a person who hopes easily and passionately, for a reason. I don't want the harshness of the world to steal my hope, and I know that if I have to deal with heartache again and again, it will. That means, I need to learn to carefully place it on a solid foundation, and not one which will crumble and fall. Just something I'm learning and working on.Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-86658860886910180562018-01-07T20:44:00.002-06:002018-01-07T20:44:41.293-06:002017-2018<br />
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Ever since the fall of 2014 when I attended G42U, I can safely say that each year has only gotten better. Not that I haven't had struggles and hard times, but something shifted that year. I know a piece of that is my relationship with God grew in a huge way, which means that my out-look on life changed. Suddenly I had this deeper understanding of the love of my Father, which gave me more hope and in turn I was filled with more joy.<br />
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2017 was no exception. 2017 was the year that I really got plugged into Rockpile Church. It was the year I grew vocally by learning how to harmonize. It was the year that I made a whole bunch of friends. In 2017 I found a job that I truly enjoy. I was blessed with another niece, giving me 10 nieces and nephews. I spent my first Christmas away from home with amazing friends in Ruidoso, New Mexico. I learned a lot about myself in 2017.<br />
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I begin 2018 with hope for my future. I have so much that I want to accomplish this year.<br />
I want to continue to grow musically. Vocal growth will always be a focus of mine, but this year I'm adding learning to play the piano.<br />
I want to get back into reading. Not just the fiction books that I love, but also a long list of non-fiction books I've been wanting to dig into.<br />
I honestly don't know what 2018 has to bring me. I don't know if it will be the year I go back to school. I don't know if it will be the year I move out of Texas (or at least out of the hill country). Maybe in 2019 I'll look back and there will be no major physical changes, but so much internal change.<br />
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Abby and I had some really good hangout time the other night and in that, we spent some time waiting on the Lord for words for each other's year. For me, Abby got a few pictures:<br />
1) I was on a boat and I was reading one of those fishing radars that tracks movement.<br />
2) I was in Big Bend leading a group of people through the canyon in which my friends and I had such a bad experience (long story if you haven't heard it). I was telling them what they should and shouldn't do, speaking from a place of experience. She said that she could see me doing that with people. That she felt the picture meant that I had experience and wisdom to share.<br />
3) Next, I was in a doctor's office. The doctor was listening to my heart and clicks his tongue saying "This isn't good. You haven't been silly enough.". He told me I had been caring too much what people thought of me.<br />
4) Last, she saw me walking across a stage to get my college degree. I was so chill about it, like I didn't see it as a big deal. I just bound across the stage, took the diploma, and said peace out. I hopped off the stage and got into a spaceship haha. She felt that it was just saying that a college degree isn't a make it or break it for me.<br />
<br />
<br />
I'm excited to see what 2018 has for me. Obviously I have my dreams for the year, but I know that no matter what, it will be an awesome year. So here's to a year of seeking His face and seeking the hearts of those around me. Here's to learning how to let my silly show and not give a crap what people might think. Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-35533905838121107832017-12-17T14:42:00.001-06:002018-01-07T20:12:36.493-06:00live<br />
<br />
This morning I was catching up with a sweet friend I hadn't seen in awhile. We were talking about life. I made a comment about how something I'm dealing with is exciting, but honestly really scary too. Her response struck me. She said, "That feeling never really goes away. The older we get, but more used to it we are, but it's something that we will always experience."<br />
<br />
Recently I was reminded of a conversation a old friend and I had. He was telling me about something that happened to him and it ended with God saying " we don't make fear based decisions."<br />
<br />
Both conversations are ringing in my mind. A lot about life scares me. A lot about *my* life scares me, but I never want to be one to make my decisions based on fear. In the fight or flight frame of mind, flight usually means fear for me. I tend to run instead of sticking it out and putting in the work. So I'm challenging myself to not run. I'm challenging myself to try new things and be adventurous. I'm young. I have so much life to live, and I want to live it to the fullest.Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-85061520814979869452017-11-11T14:12:00.003-06:002017-11-11T14:12:54.069-06:00Finding myself in the midst of life<br />
I'm the type of person who easily loses herself in the hustle and bustle of life. Part of it is laziness, but it also has a lot to do with the fact that at the end of a busy day at work, I just want to turn off. I don't want to have to be a person. I've always struggled with hobbies because of this. It's not that I don't want to do things, but a lot of the time, it takes another person saying "let's do this thing", for me to be a productive human outside of work and adult requirements.<br />
<br />
I say all this not because I want to complain about my tendency to apathy in my life, but because I genuinely want to be better. I've grown a lot in 2017 with my vocal abilities. Those of you who know me well, know that singing is one of my favorite things in life. I honestly can't put into words what it does to my soul. So the fact that I have expanded my abilities this year is very exciting to me. It's awakened something in me that doesn't want to stop growing in the things I enjoy.<br />
<br />
My friend who has been giving me voice lessons suggested I learn piano, and even offered to teach me. Now, I took piano and guitar lessons as a child. I always quit because I didn't have enough drive, and honestly? Because Singing always came so easy to me, that having to push so much to learn an instrument was frustrating for me. But guys? I really want to be able to sit behind a piano and have my own little worship time. When I want to sing one of my favorite songs, I don't want to have to choose between singing a Capella or using a recording. I want to be able show off my God given talent and play/sing at my favorite coffee shop. I want those things so bad it makes my insides ache.<br />
<br />
It goes so much deeper than my desire to say "yeah, I have hobbies." . Along with my musical desires, I really want to start writing. Recently one of my patients and I were talking. She is an older woman who is an avid reader, as well as writer. I was sharing with her my desire to write about my dad's life, as other family members. I love history, so why wouldn't want the history of my own family documented? She was telling me, it's not about writing everything perfectly and knowing the whole story, but it's about making a list of what you do know and fleshing it out. The polishing will come when it comes. Now, technically I knew that, but I'd never thought about it in such simple terms. I also thought that to write about my dad, I needed to know everything. That isn't true. I need to do what all writers do, and write what I know.<br />
<br />
So here I am; documenting a moment in my life when I am expressing the desire to be more than what I am to other people. But to have substance even in my own time. Here's to growing and learning.<br />
<br />
Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-10635518913179484192017-09-04T11:52:00.003-05:002017-09-04T11:52:50.781-05:00For the Kingdom<br />
<br />
Lately life has felt quite messy. -Though, I suppose life is always messy, there are just times when it is more apparent to us because of situations that arise.- I've allowed the goings on of life to not only distract, but over-whelm me. So much so that some days it really seems as though I'm just going through the motions of life because I have no other option. I've lost sight of having actual communion with God, and in return, being a vessel for His living water to flow through.<br />
<br />
I'm currently reading (or listening to.. I love audible) <i>Blessed Child</i> by Ted Dekker. It's about a boy named Caleb who was raised in a monetary in Ethiopia. He was taught from a very young age to "seek first the kingdom of God", that inside of us, there isn't room for both light and darkness, therefore a choice must be made as to what we will live for.<br />
<br />
I haven't been living for the kingdom. I've been living for laziness and ease of life. What do I do in my down time alone? Typically, watch Netflix. I don't use my time wisely, and I don't fill myself with real worthwhile things. Things that not only are life giving, but also things that cultivate growth.<br />
<br />
Eight years from now I will be 30. I don't want to look back on my 20s and think "man... what a waste..". I want to have a long list of books that I've read, both fiction and non-fiction. I want to be in a vastly different place in my walk with God. I want my friendships to be deep. I don't want to live my life on the internet.<br />
<br />
I am thankful for so many things about this day and age, but we are certainly surrounded by so many distractions. Distractions by which I feel controlled at times. I believe the vast amount of people diagnosed with ADHD, don't actually have it. They just never have had to focus on one thing for any amount of time. I mean, I can't even make myself watch a tv show hardly, without having my phone out also.<br />
<br />
Something I'm challenging myself to do, is to be more unplugged. I don't need to be on Facebook twenty times a day, or any other social media for that matter. I don't need my phone as a buffer in social situations, though that one I am currently having an inner struggle about. The first thing I do every morning, before even getting out of bed, is get on social media. I'm wasting my life on this junk.<br />
<br />
How can I expect to pour the love of God out onto every person I meet, if most of what I fill myself with is tv and the internet? Honestly, I don't know how to change things except by stopping each time I catch myself just disappearing into my phone.<br />
<br />
God has so much for me in this world, and I'm missing it. I don't want to live this way. I want to be the change I want to see in this world. I want to be different. So this is me, fighting to grow and change. Fighting to be more than the norm.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Shalom</i>Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-29902904138828116072017-08-04T15:48:00.000-05:002017-08-04T15:48:19.489-05:00Refreshing Life the last few months has been a bit of a whirlwind. Mixed with struggles, change, and growth. I now have a different job, which I really love. It's not stressful, the environment is uplifting, and I enjoy the people I work with.<br />
<br />
This summer has been a lot about trusting God's timing, and honestly continues to be that way. I've been struggling (though not as hard as I should) to find deeper intimacy with my Daddy God. I've found that all my problems stem from a lack of intimacy with Him.<br />
<br />
I am currently on vacation visiting some of my favorite people, and I'm taking this opportunity to refresh. To use my down time to read, pray, and worship. To work on my relationship with <i>Dad</i>. Yesterday, I was reading a book and it made a point that shifted everything in my brain. It talked about the difference between living with a scarcity mentality and living with a mentality of abundance.<br />
<br />
I'm surrounded by people who's lives are coming together. They're finding their person, getting married, having kids. Whatever stage they might be in. I am truly happy for them, don't get me wrong, but there's a part of me that's jealous. A part of me that wonders if I'll get an amazing life. If there will even be anything left for me to have. I'm living with a mentality of scarcity. A mentality of abundance wouldn't think this way. It would realize that someone else's great opportunities and happiness doesn't mean that I have lost out.<br />
<br />
Wow. Realizing that, was crazy for me. So now, I'm working to shift my mindset. I'm praying into the renewal of my mind and heart. Jealousy isn't something I want to feel. I want to feel joy for everyone around me. Untainted joy. So here's to a lifestyle of abundance.Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-52662682681682747932017-05-27T15:13:00.000-05:002017-05-27T15:13:07.762-05:00Never judge a book by its coverI have never understood why everyone is so focused on appearance. Why does it matter what color skin a person has, or how they choose to alter themselves?<br />
<br />
This is specifically a problem in the work place. The interviewer sees a candidate who may be great for the job, but they have things that don't go along with the dress code. Their hair is the wrong color, or tattoos/piercings showing. Things that have zero effect on their ability to get the job done.<br />
<br />
Personally, it's all discrimination. Unless the dress code is specifically talking about the type of clothing they would like their employees to wear and that's it, it's inappropriate.<br />
<br />
I get it, the business has an image that's important to them, but that doesn't mean what their asking is okay.<br />
<br />
Obviously this is a personal issue for me. I have blue bits of hair, a nose ring, and tattoos on my wrists and collar bone. Yes, I chose to do these things, and maybe it's naive and entitled of me. But that doesn't change the fact that this shouldn't even be a problem. It shouldn't matter. Whether I get hired or not should have nothing to do with me physically and have everything to do with my abilities to work.Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-35438980356424599112017-05-19T17:04:00.002-05:002017-05-19T17:04:51.668-05:00Pouring Rain<br />
<br />
You know that thing that happens sometimes in horse movies where the rider falls off but their foot gets stuck in the stirrup, so they get dragged through mud and rocks while the horse just gallops on? No? Well just imagine it, then. Because that's what it feels like is happening to me currently. I'm torn up and dirtied. Life right now can only be described as what I would call, a shit show.<br />
<br />
Now don't get me wrong, I know God is working, and with me, and all that. But guys, when it rains, it pours. And sometimes? There's hail.<br />
<br />
God is good. I know that. Some seasons are just hard. I get that. It doesn't make the hard season any less crappy though.<br />
<br />
I do have to say, I'm super extra thankful I have such amazing people in my life.<br />
<br />
<i>Shalom</i>Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-11671014266328430312017-04-17T11:52:00.002-05:002017-04-17T11:52:48.224-05:00King of My Heart"You're never gonna let<br />
Never gonna let me down"<br />
<br />
It seems like everywhere I turn a new revelation is being poured over me. It's kinda cool, actually. It's the same revelation again and again lately, but each time I get a deeper understanding of what God truly wants me to know.<br />
<br />
Like a typical human, I'm constantly seeking things which make me feel happy and full. I'm realizing that God is that source. I mean, I knew this, but it's actually sinking in, now.<br />
<br />
I've done a lot of searching. I've desperately wanted to feel "full", but everything I've tried just leaves me feeling even more empty. I've turned to a lot of things before turning to Jesus. It's sad, really. But on days when I do go to God as my source? I've noticed that He makes all the difference.<br />
<br />
I'm not even talking about spending hours on my face, praying and reading my Bible (though there's nothing wrong with that, of course). I'm talking about little choices throughout my day. Talking to Him during my daily tasks. Maybe choosing worship music over something secular. It's little things that make all the difference for me. And man is the difference huge.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Let the King of my heart be the mountain where I run</i><br />
<i>The fountain I drink from oh He is my song</i><br />
<i>Let the King of my heart be the shadow where I hide</i><br />
<i>The ransom for my life oh He is my song</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>You are good good oh</i><br />
<i>You are good good oh</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Let the King of my heart be the wind inside my sails </i><br />
<i>The anchor in the waves oh He is my song </i><br />
<i>Let the King of my heart me the fire inside my veins </i><br />
<i>The echo of my days oh He is my song </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>You're never gonna let never gonna let me down...</i>Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-8351628429848496542017-03-11T11:59:00.002-06:002017-03-11T11:59:24.266-06:00Knowing is Half the Battle<div>
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It's amazing how once you start to uncover the reasons why you are the way you are, and why you react to things the way you do, more revelations start falling into place. The puzzle pieces are starting to fit together. </div>
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I've known for awhile that constructive criticism is hard for me to take. Not hard to put into action in my life, but hard for me emotionally. I take it hard and very personally. It's not that I get offended, but more that I get down on myself for even needing the direction. I fear for my relationship with the person who gave it. My brain goes to a place of "they don't like me" "I'm a burden" "<i>I'm not wanted". </i></div>
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This isn't because that was the person's intent at all, but instead because I place my value and identity in the people around me and my abilities/talents. </div>
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Wow. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Where as if my security was in my Heavenly Dad, I wouldn't falter the way I do. I'd be able to take the constructive criticism and be better able to put it into action. Instead of having to wade through my emotions, while trying to grow from what they said. </div>
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<br /></div>
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It all comes down to my fear of not being wanted and being left alone because of it. It's irrational. Not only because of the amazing friends and family I have, but even more so, the amazing Dad I have. I want for nothing when I am living in relationship with Him. When I am living in surrender to Him. It's when I turn away that I start to crumble. </div>
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It's a process. It's a journey. But knowing is half the battle, right? </div>
Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-14437489486806086122017-03-02T16:21:00.001-06:002017-03-02T16:21:59.018-06:00He's Especially Fond of Me I feel drained of all of my energy. Sapped of all ability to do anything.<br />
<br />
All that may sound extremely melodramatic, but it's how I feel right now.<br />
I know that it all comes down to me trusting my heavenly Dad.<br />
<br />
I want to feel wanted. It's a feeling I can't get from friends or family. Or at least, if I do, it's fleeting. I know this. So I crave relationship. A boyfriend. A husband. Because, in my mind, it's the ultimate "I'm wanted", but again, this won't solve my craving.<br />
<br />
Only Daddy can do that. He's the only one who can quench my thirst and hunger to feel like for once in my life, I'm not unwanted. I'm not out of place. I'm not an after thought, I'm not an embarrassment.<br />
I'm loved lavishly. Excitedly awaited. He is especially fond of me.<br />
<br />
You know, there's a difference between knowing and believing something in your head, and believing it so deeply in your heart that it ripples into every particle of your being.<br />
<br />
This is my journey. This is where I am. A heart wrenching, disbelieving, blubbering mess of a place. This won't be forever, though. I'm not at a standstill. I have a good good Daddy.<br />
<br />Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-34909157769358126532017-02-07T17:57:00.000-06:002017-02-07T18:01:43.379-06:00Pruning<br />
I've learned in my journey with God, that there are a few dangerous things to ask Him. One of those things would be to say, " Lord, prune me."<br />
Pruning is typically a hard and painful process. It's something that takes you being willing to give up whatever He asks, and really just drop on your knees before Him.<br />
<br />
That said, my heart is in need of pruning. I've found myself living in a state of "me me me", rather than a place of out pouring the love and joy which God has given me.<br />
<br />
I've been selfish. I've been jealous of people who have the things I want. I've been trying to pull myself together for my own selfish goals. I haven't been operating out of a place of love.<br />
<br />
Have you ever noticed that when you focus on truly loveing someone else, life starts lining up? And no, I don't mean using people as a distraction, but actually loving on them. Getting daily quiet time to fill up, and then pouring out on every person you come into contact with.<br />
<br />
Guys, I have my own goals and desires for my life and I get so focused on them.<br />
That's not God's heart for my life. He wants me to place my heart, dreams, and life in His hands, and then run after Him. I know for a fact that He made me to brighten people's days. He made me to be the smiling face, the word of encouragement, the sunny disposition. It's simple, and it rarely requires anything big from me. It simply requires me not being selfish. It requires me taking my eyes off my own life and turning them up to God.<br />
<br />
So I'm asking Him the risky question. I'm asking Him to prune me. In the ways I already see that I need, and also in the ways I'm unaware of. Because I want to grow. I want to flourish. I want to make an impact on the world around me. Even if I never get to see or experience the fruits of my labors.<br />
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<i>Shalom</i>Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-60674860589002440632017-01-23T10:19:00.000-06:002017-01-23T10:19:38.817-06:00Relationships and Growth<br />
Anyone who knows me would tell you I am no social butterfly. It's not as if I'm antisocial or anything, I was just made to love small groups and one on one time. Give me a sit down with one or two people and I'm thriving. God made me to be relational.<br />
<br />
I recently got a word that some kind of change would be coming in seven months, and a friend suggested that I focus on a few things in that time. Things I want growth in or that I want to change. Well, I have the things I already had on my brain, such as getting back into shape and being committed to time with God everyday. Those are God goals, and I will be working on them, but I felt like there was something more.<br />
<br />
<br />
I was just journaling (it's the best way for me to sit down and talk to God) and it dawned on me that I have some longings for change and growth relationally with Family members and some friends.<br />
<br />
I am a relational person, and the devil likes to attack that by filing my head with lies of not being wanted. This is something I intend to overcome with the help of my heavenly Father. I thrive in relationships. It's my love language. I feel valued when people spend time with me. So I'm not going to let the devil take this from me anymore.<br />
<br />
Lookout world. I have something to offer.<br />
<br />
<i>Shalom</i><br />
<br />
<br />Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-5132062960332195422017-01-17T14:49:00.002-06:002017-01-17T14:50:16.672-06:00Living Life on My Face<br />
I find myself in a place of not knowing what the heck I even want from my life. I mean, I know big picture stuff, but details, I have no idea. It's easy to make the blanket statement of wanting to make a difference, etc, but not so easy for, me personally, to even know what I want. I have the day off today, and I literally spent my morning trying to just figure out how I wanted to spend my day.<br />
<br />
It's been awhile since I've really sat down and just journaled, so I decided to go to the great local coffee shop and just journal for a bit. Let me tell you, I don't know why I don't just do that first. Before even thinking about anything else.<br />
<br />
Guys, I got a pretty cool picture for 2017, from my friend: " <i>So I got this picture of a little yellow mug. I saw it sitting before you and I heard the Lord say ' you want some coffee, reach for the mug ' . I kept seeing different scenarios for different things you wanted and the means to have it was set before you in your reach. It was an exciting feeling that all you had to do was reach out and grab it! The mug being bright yellow and vibrant made me feel hope, comfort, belonging. Extend your arms. </i><br />
<i>I feel yellow about your life. Sunshine, music, joy, youthfulness, hope, delight, future, dancing, lightheartedness. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
This is so exciting to me! It filled me with almost a heavy feeling though. I thought it meant that I had to figure out what He wants to give me, but He reminded me today, that it's not about that. It's about living a life of seeking His face. It's about laying my life down at His feet and then taking His hand to hold through life.<br />
<br />
I haven't really been living a life of surrender. Like at all. Which is a problem unless I like being stressed out and aimless. For the record, I don't. So I mean... maybe it would be a good idea to surrender. Its my goal to be able to look back at this year and be able to see the pattern of my good good Father. Not to look back and see a list of things that I did. I don't ever want that to be my life. God's story is so much better than mine.<br />
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<i>Shalom, </i><br />
<br />
<br />Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-41749545504405608632017-01-04T10:28:00.003-06:002017-01-04T10:28:34.262-06:002016-2017<div>
<b>2016 </b></div>
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It was the year that took me to live across the world, giving me one of the most amazing experiences of my life. It was the year I got my first adult job. It was the year I moved into the first place I truly felt I could call *mine* (aside from the house I grew up in). </div>
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It truly was an amazing year for me. It had some rough patches, but as a whole, it was incredible and stretching and full of growth. </div>
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<div>
I read a lot of books in this year (and watched a lot of movies and tv but I didn't keep track of that.). Here's the results:</div>
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<b>January</b>House of Hades- Rick Riordan
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Popular- Tindell Baldwin</div>
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The blood of Olympus- Rick Riordan</div>
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When a good God allows rape-Joy Tan-Chi Mendoza</div>
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<b>February</b></div>
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Paper towns- John Green</div>
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<a dir="ltr" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" x-apple-data-detectors-result="3" x-apple-data-detectors-type="misc" x-apple-data-detectors="true">The 5th Wave</a>- Rick Yancey</div>
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The Infanite Sea- Rick Yancey</div>
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The Martian- Andy Weir</div>
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Just Friends- Jenn Faulk</div>
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Stuck in the middle- Virginia smith</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>March</b></div>
<div>
Age before beauty- Virginia Smith</div>
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Third time's the charm- Virginia Smith</div>
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Love does- Bob Goff</div>
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Anne of Green Gables- Lucy Maud Montgomery </div>
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Pride and Prejudice- Jane Austen </div>
<div>
Till Death Do Us Part- Mike and Patti Paschall</div>
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Anne of Avonlea- Lucy Maud Montgomery </div>
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Anne of Island- Lucy Maud Montgomery </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
<b>April</b></div>
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Anne of Windy polpurs - Lucy Maud Montgomery </div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>July</b></div>
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Run- Ln Cronk and Jen Faulk</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>October </b></div>
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Happily Ever After- Jen Faulk</div>
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Black- Ted Dekker</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>November </b></div>
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Red- Ted Dekker</div>
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White-Ted Dekker</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>December </b></div>
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The Girl on the Train- Paula Hawkins</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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Needless to say that during time in the Philippines, I read a lot. This also doesn't count my favorite series which I re-read. It has 9 books. </div>
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So <b>2017:</b></div>
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I have big plans for this year. Plans of even more growth. Plans to spend more time loving people, and a lot less judging them. I plan to trust God more each day. I plan to invest greatly in relationships. I plan to get back into shape and eat less junk food (I know I know, that's what everyone says.). </div>
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I have no doubt that 2017 will be amazing. </div>
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<i>Shalom </i></div>
Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-68825104639724401052016-12-19T17:15:00.000-06:002016-12-19T17:15:11.156-06:00Crazy but Beautiful Life Life has had me busy. Like the kind of busy that anything that takes extra effort is just too much. I've neglected a lot of things because of this: Journaling, reading, skyping, keeping up with people who aren't in my day to day life, blogging... the list goes on.<br />
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I've just been exhausted. Exhausted because of the busyness of working full time at a job where I'm on my feet all day and I have to get up before 6. Exhausted because, let's face it, I'm an emotional creature, and my emotions have really been draining me lately. I could go on, but you get the idea. It's not that I'm not happy. My job is fine, I have a great family and friends.<br />
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It's just that, ever since I got back from the Philippines, it feels like I'm starting over, or fresh... or something like that. It's not easy to find your place. It's hard to find what feels right, and what is actually productive.<br />
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I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, or what I really want. It seems like everything comes back to this. Like... what do I even want? What should I be doing right now that will help me build a successful future? Am I just waisting my days away? Am I leaving my mark on those around me, and if so, is it one I should be proud of?<br />
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I have a pretty picture of getting married, building a house on the ranch, having kids, writing books about history, spending summers in the Philippines doing ministry, and having a quiet life. I love this day dream. Maybe some of it will even happen, but it says nothing about between now and then.<br />
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OK, okay. There are things I want for just me. I want to be known as someone who loves well. I want to be fluent in Tagalog. I want to be well read and spoken. I want to be a truly joyful person. I want to overcome the lies inside my head that say I'm not wanted. There are many things I want, but none of that really tells me much on what I need to *do*. I mean sort of.<br />
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So this is me. Messy but forever growing and learning. Even when it doesn't feel that way.<br />
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<i>Shalom</i>Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-48988768619090128112016-11-06T13:29:00.000-06:002016-11-06T13:29:05.750-06:00Focus<div>
How does one shift their focus? </div>
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I've dreamed of marriage since I was a little girl. Now I'm 21 and still dreaming. I'm not inlove with anyone. I don't even have anyone I know well enough to say "yes, I definitely want to date them.". There have been a few guys in which I've been curious about, but that's it. </div>
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The thing is, I feel like I'm in a season of just being a friend. Not getting hung up on anyone or dating. Just working on my friendship skills. So, ok. That's fine. My problem is, I dream. I have for as long as I can remember. I dream of what my life will look like, and as much as I try, I can't leave a guy out of the picture. I also can't just dream of an imaginary guy. I mean, my dreams depends upon what type of person he is. Where our likes, passions, and aspersions meet, the dream begins. </div>
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So basically, my dreams are not helpful in taking my focus off of my desire to be married. </div>
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I honestly don't know what the answer is. I mean, I'm a dreamer. I just am. So do I somehow turn my dreams off? Or is there something else to be done. </div>
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<i>Shalom</i></div>
Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6630070651496768509.post-85296195590157943922016-10-23T22:31:00.001-05:002016-10-23T22:32:20.247-05:00Dreams<div><br></div>
<div> When you think about yourself 5,10, 15 years down the road, do you know what you want your life to be like? </div>
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<div> I can't say that I do. True enough, I want to be married and have a family. I want to be living my life for God. I want to be happy. But as far as other things? I don't know. </div>
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<div> I don't know if I want to live in the area I've always lived, if I was to live in the Philippines, or if I want to live somewhere completely different. </div>
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<div> I don't know if I want to have a college degree and be working, have a college degree but be a SAHM, etc. (though I will likely start taking some classes next fall.)</div>
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<div> I don't really know what I want from life. I long for travel, but the idea of living far away from my family is hard to swallow. </div>
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<div> I have dreams. At least I thought I did. Do I not, just because there's so much that I don't know. </div>
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<div> Part of me thinks "well much of this depends on what my husband wants in life." Which is true, but I could still be single in 15 years. I can't and won't press pause on my life until a man comes along. </div>
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<div> What is my dream for the right now? Something I need to think about, I suppose. </div>
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<div><i>Shalom</i></div>Alanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16786894817766961634noreply@blogger.com0