Relationships and Growth

   Anyone who knows me would tell you I am no social butterfly. It's not as if I'm antisocial or anything, I was just made to love small groups and one on one time. Give me a sit down with one or two people and I'm thriving. God made me to be relational.

   I recently got a word that some kind of change would be coming in seven months, and a friend suggested that I focus on a few things in that time. Things I want growth in or that I want to change. Well, I have the things I already had on my brain, such as getting back into shape and being committed to time with God everyday. Those are God goals, and I will be working on them, but I felt like there was something more.


   I was just journaling (it's the best way for me to sit down and talk to God) and it dawned on me that I have some longings for change and growth relationally with Family members and some friends.

   I am a relational person, and the devil likes to attack that by filing my head with lies of not being wanted. This is something I intend to overcome with the help of my heavenly Father. I thrive in relationships. It's my love language. I feel valued when people spend time with me. So I'm not going to let the devil take this from me anymore.

  Lookout world. I have something to offer.

Shalom

Living Life on My Face

   I find myself in a place of not knowing what the heck I even want from my life. I mean, I know big picture stuff, but details, I have no idea. It's easy to make the blanket statement of wanting to make a difference, etc, but not so easy for, me personally, to even know what I want. I have the day off today, and I literally spent my morning trying to just figure out how I wanted to spend my day.

   It's been awhile since I've really sat down and just journaled, so I decided to go to the great local coffee shop and just journal for a bit. Let me tell you, I don't know why I don't just do that first. Before even thinking about anything else.

   Guys, I got a pretty cool picture for 2017, from my friend: " So I got this picture of a little yellow mug. I saw it sitting before you and I heard the Lord say ' you want some coffee, reach for the mug ' . I kept seeing different scenarios for different things you wanted and the means to have it was set before you in your reach. It was an exciting feeling that all you had to do was reach out and grab it! The mug being bright yellow and vibrant made me feel hope, comfort, belonging. Extend your arms. 
I feel yellow about your life. Sunshine, music, joy, youthfulness, hope, delight, future, dancing, lightheartedness. 

   This is so exciting to me! It filled me with almost a heavy feeling though. I thought it meant that I had to figure out what He wants to give me, but He reminded me today, that it's not about that. It's about living a life of seeking His face. It's about laying my life down at His feet and then taking His hand to hold through life.

   I haven't really been living a life of surrender. Like at all. Which is a problem unless I like being stressed out and aimless. For the record, I don't. So I mean... maybe it would be a good idea to surrender. Its my goal to be able to look back at this year and be able to see the pattern of my good good Father. Not to look back and see a list of things that I did. I don't ever want that to be my life. God's story is so much better than mine.

Shalom, 

2016-2017

2016 

It was the year that took me to live across the world, giving me one of the most amazing experiences of my life. It was the year I got my first adult job. It was the year I moved into the first place I truly felt I could call *mine* (aside from the house I grew up in). 

It truly was an amazing year for me. It had some rough patches, but as a whole, it was incredible and stretching and full of growth. 

I read a lot of books in this year (and watched a lot of movies and tv but I didn't keep track of that.). Here's the results:

JanuaryHouse of Hades- Rick Riordan

Popular- Tindell Baldwin

The blood of Olympus- Rick Riordan

When a good God allows rape-Joy Tan-Chi Mendoza

February

Paper towns- John Green

The 5th Wave- Rick Yancey

The Infanite Sea- Rick Yancey

The Martian- Andy Weir

Just Friends- Jenn Faulk

Stuck in the middle- Virginia smith

March

Age before beauty- Virginia Smith

Third time's the charm- Virginia Smith

Love does- Bob Goff

Anne of Green Gables- Lucy Maud Montgomery 

Pride and Prejudice- Jane Austen 

Till Death Do Us Part- Mike and Patti Paschall

Anne of Avonlea- Lucy Maud Montgomery 

Anne of Island- Lucy Maud Montgomery 

April

Anne of Windy polpurs  - Lucy Maud Montgomery 

July

Run- Ln Cronk and Jen Faulk

October 

Happily Ever After- Jen Faulk

Black- Ted Dekker

November 

Red- Ted Dekker

White-Ted Dekker

December 

The Girl on the Train- Paula Hawkins

Needless to say that during time in the Philippines, I read a lot. This also doesn't count my favorite series which I re-read. It has 9 books. 

So 2017:

I have big plans for this year. Plans of even more growth. Plans to spend more time loving people, and a lot less judging them. I plan to trust God more each day. I plan to invest greatly in relationships. I plan to get back into shape and eat less junk food (I know I know, that's what everyone says.). 

I have no doubt that 2017 will be amazing. 

Shalom 

Crazy but Beautiful Life

   Life has had me busy. Like the kind of busy that anything that takes extra effort is just too much. I've neglected a lot of things because of this: Journaling, reading, skyping, keeping up with people who aren't in my day to day life, blogging... the list goes on.

   I've just been exhausted. Exhausted because of the busyness of working full time at a job where I'm on my feet all day and I have to get up before 6. Exhausted because, let's face it, I'm an emotional creature, and my emotions have really been draining me lately. I could go on, but you get the idea. It's not that I'm not happy. My job is fine, I have a great family and friends.

  It's just that, ever since I got back from the Philippines, it feels like I'm starting over, or fresh... or something like that. It's not easy to find your place. It's hard to find what feels right, and what is actually productive.

   I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, or what I really want. It seems like everything comes back to this. Like... what do I even want? What should I be doing right now that will help me build a successful future? Am I just waisting my days away? Am I leaving my mark on those around me, and if so, is it one I should be proud of?

   I have a pretty picture of getting married, building a house on the ranch, having kids, writing books about history, spending summers in the Philippines doing ministry, and having a quiet life. I love this day dream. Maybe some of it will even happen, but it says nothing about between now and then.

   OK, okay. There are things I want for just me. I want to be known as someone who loves well. I want to be fluent in Tagalog. I want to be well read and spoken. I want to be a truly joyful person. I want to overcome the lies inside my head that say I'm not wanted. There are many things I want, but none of that really tells me much on what I need to *do*. I mean sort of.

So this is me. Messy but forever growing and learning. Even when it doesn't feel that way.

Shalom

Focus

  How does one shift their focus? 

I've dreamed of marriage since I was a little girl. Now I'm 21 and still dreaming. I'm not inlove with anyone. I don't even have anyone I know well enough to say "yes, I definitely want to date them.". There have been a few guys in which I've been curious about, but that's it. 

  The thing is, I feel like I'm in a season of just being a friend. Not getting hung up on anyone or dating. Just working on my friendship skills. So, ok. That's fine. My problem is, I dream. I have for as long as I can remember. I dream of what my life will look like, and as much as I try, I can't leave a guy out of the picture. I also can't just dream of an imaginary guy. I mean, my dreams depends upon what type of person he is. Where our likes, passions, and aspersions meet, the dream begins. 

  So basically, my dreams are not helpful in taking my focus off of my desire to be married. 

I honestly don't know what the answer is. I mean, I'm a dreamer. I just am. So do I somehow turn my dreams off? Or is there something else to be done. 

Shalom

Dreams

  When you think about yourself 5,10, 15 years down the road, do you know what you want your life to be like? 

  I can't say that I do. True enough, I want to be married and have a family. I want to be living my life for God. I want to be happy. But as far as other things? I don't know. 

  I don't know if I want to live in the area I've always lived, if I was to live in the Philippines, or if I want to live somewhere completely different. 

  I don't know if I want to have a college degree and be working, have a college degree but be a SAHM, etc. (though I will likely start taking some classes next fall.)

  I don't really know what I want from life. I long for travel, but the idea of living far away from my family is hard to swallow. 

  I have dreams. At least I thought I did. Do I not, just because there's so much that I don't know. 

  Part of me thinks "well much of this depends on what my husband wants in life." Which is true, but I could still be single in 15 years. I can't and won't press pause on my life until a man comes along. 

  What is my dream for the right now? Something I need to think about, I suppose. 

Shalom

Life Lately

  It's been awhile since I've posted, so I figured it was time for an update!

  The day after Labor Day, I started work at a local hospital. I'm working in EVS (Environmental Systems) which is housekeeping. I've been trained to work all over the hospital, but my area is Labor and Delivery. I am really enjoying it.

  I'm still living at my parent's ranch, but that will be changing soon. I love my parents and all, but I'm very ready to be out of their home.

  I'm in a good place, emotionally and spiritually. I've just recently had a few revealations/ breakthroughs. I won't go into it right now, I'm just thankful for the grace of God and the amazing people He's placed in my life.