Knowing is Half the Battle

  It's amazing how once you start to uncover the reasons why you are the way you are, and why you react to things the way you do, more revelations start falling into place. The puzzle pieces are starting to fit together. 

  I've known for awhile that constructive criticism is hard for me to take. Not hard to put into action in my life, but hard for me emotionally. I take it hard and very personally. It's not that I get offended, but more that I get down on myself for even needing the direction. I fear for my relationship with the person who gave it. My brain goes to a place of "they don't like me" "I'm a burden" "I'm not wanted". 

  This isn't because that was the person's intent at all, but instead because I place my value and  identity in the people around me and my abilities/talents. 

  Wow. 

   Where as if my security was in my Heavenly Dad, I wouldn't falter the way I do. I'd be able to take the constructive criticism and be better able to put it into action. Instead of having to wade through my emotions, while trying to grow from what they said. 

  It all comes down to my fear of not being wanted and being left alone because of it. It's irrational. Not only because of the amazing friends and family I have, but even more so, the amazing Dad I have. I want for nothing when I am living in relationship with Him. When I am living in surrender to Him. It's when I turn away that I start to crumble. 

  It's a process. It's a journey. But knowing is half the battle, right? 

He's Especially Fond of Me

  I feel drained of all of my energy. Sapped of all ability to do anything.

  All that may sound extremely melodramatic, but it's how I feel right now.
I know that it all comes down to me trusting my heavenly Dad.

  I want to feel wanted. It's a feeling I can't get from friends or family. Or at least, if I do, it's fleeting. I know this. So I crave relationship. A boyfriend. A husband. Because, in my mind, it's the ultimate "I'm wanted", but again, this won't solve my craving.

  Only Daddy can do that. He's the only one who can quench my thirst and hunger to feel like for once in my life, I'm not unwanted. I'm not out of place. I'm not an after thought, I'm not an embarrassment.
I'm loved lavishly. Excitedly awaited. He is especially fond of me.

   You know, there's a difference between knowing and believing something in your head, and believing it so deeply in your heart that it ripples into every particle of your being.

  This is my journey. This is where I am. A heart wrenching, disbelieving, blubbering mess of a place. This won't be forever, though. I'm not at a standstill. I have a good good Daddy.

Pruning

   I've learned in my journey with God, that there are a few dangerous things to ask Him. One of those things would be to say, " Lord, prune me."
Pruning is typically a hard and painful process. It's something that takes you being willing to give up whatever He asks, and really just drop on your knees before Him.

   That said, my heart is in need of pruning. I've found myself living in a state of "me me me", rather than a place of out pouring the love and joy which God has given me.

   I've been selfish. I've been jealous of people who have the things I want. I've been trying to pull myself together for my own selfish goals. I haven't been operating out of a place of love.

   Have you ever noticed that when you focus on truly loveing someone else, life starts lining up? And no, I don't mean using people as a distraction, but actually loving on them. Getting daily quiet time to fill up, and then pouring out on every person you come into contact with.

   Guys, I have my own goals and desires for my life and I get so focused on them.
 That's not God's heart for my life. He wants me to place my heart, dreams, and life in His hands, and then run after Him. I know for a fact that He made me to brighten people's days. He made me to be the smiling face, the word of encouragement, the sunny disposition. It's simple, and it rarely requires anything big from me. It simply requires me not being selfish. It requires me taking my eyes off my own life and turning them up to God.

   So I'm asking Him the risky question. I'm asking Him to prune me. In the ways I already see that I need, and also in the ways I'm unaware of. Because I want to grow. I want to flourish. I want to make an impact on the world around me. Even if I never get to see or experience the fruits of my labors.

Shalom

Relationships and Growth

   Anyone who knows me would tell you I am no social butterfly. It's not as if I'm antisocial or anything, I was just made to love small groups and one on one time. Give me a sit down with one or two people and I'm thriving. God made me to be relational.

   I recently got a word that some kind of change would be coming in seven months, and a friend suggested that I focus on a few things in that time. Things I want growth in or that I want to change. Well, I have the things I already had on my brain, such as getting back into shape and being committed to time with God everyday. Those are God goals, and I will be working on them, but I felt like there was something more.


   I was just journaling (it's the best way for me to sit down and talk to God) and it dawned on me that I have some longings for change and growth relationally with Family members and some friends.

   I am a relational person, and the devil likes to attack that by filing my head with lies of not being wanted. This is something I intend to overcome with the help of my heavenly Father. I thrive in relationships. It's my love language. I feel valued when people spend time with me. So I'm not going to let the devil take this from me anymore.

  Lookout world. I have something to offer.

Shalom

Living Life on My Face

   I find myself in a place of not knowing what the heck I even want from my life. I mean, I know big picture stuff, but details, I have no idea. It's easy to make the blanket statement of wanting to make a difference, etc, but not so easy for, me personally, to even know what I want. I have the day off today, and I literally spent my morning trying to just figure out how I wanted to spend my day.

   It's been awhile since I've really sat down and just journaled, so I decided to go to the great local coffee shop and just journal for a bit. Let me tell you, I don't know why I don't just do that first. Before even thinking about anything else.

   Guys, I got a pretty cool picture for 2017, from my friend: " So I got this picture of a little yellow mug. I saw it sitting before you and I heard the Lord say ' you want some coffee, reach for the mug ' . I kept seeing different scenarios for different things you wanted and the means to have it was set before you in your reach. It was an exciting feeling that all you had to do was reach out and grab it! The mug being bright yellow and vibrant made me feel hope, comfort, belonging. Extend your arms. 
I feel yellow about your life. Sunshine, music, joy, youthfulness, hope, delight, future, dancing, lightheartedness. 

   This is so exciting to me! It filled me with almost a heavy feeling though. I thought it meant that I had to figure out what He wants to give me, but He reminded me today, that it's not about that. It's about living a life of seeking His face. It's about laying my life down at His feet and then taking His hand to hold through life.

   I haven't really been living a life of surrender. Like at all. Which is a problem unless I like being stressed out and aimless. For the record, I don't. So I mean... maybe it would be a good idea to surrender. Its my goal to be able to look back at this year and be able to see the pattern of my good good Father. Not to look back and see a list of things that I did. I don't ever want that to be my life. God's story is so much better than mine.

Shalom, 

2016-2017

2016 

It was the year that took me to live across the world, giving me one of the most amazing experiences of my life. It was the year I got my first adult job. It was the year I moved into the first place I truly felt I could call *mine* (aside from the house I grew up in). 

It truly was an amazing year for me. It had some rough patches, but as a whole, it was incredible and stretching and full of growth. 

I read a lot of books in this year (and watched a lot of movies and tv but I didn't keep track of that.). Here's the results:

JanuaryHouse of Hades- Rick Riordan

Popular- Tindell Baldwin

The blood of Olympus- Rick Riordan

When a good God allows rape-Joy Tan-Chi Mendoza

February

Paper towns- John Green

The 5th Wave- Rick Yancey

The Infanite Sea- Rick Yancey

The Martian- Andy Weir

Just Friends- Jenn Faulk

Stuck in the middle- Virginia smith

March

Age before beauty- Virginia Smith

Third time's the charm- Virginia Smith

Love does- Bob Goff

Anne of Green Gables- Lucy Maud Montgomery 

Pride and Prejudice- Jane Austen 

Till Death Do Us Part- Mike and Patti Paschall

Anne of Avonlea- Lucy Maud Montgomery 

Anne of Island- Lucy Maud Montgomery 

April

Anne of Windy polpurs  - Lucy Maud Montgomery 

July

Run- Ln Cronk and Jen Faulk

October 

Happily Ever After- Jen Faulk

Black- Ted Dekker

November 

Red- Ted Dekker

White-Ted Dekker

December 

The Girl on the Train- Paula Hawkins

Needless to say that during time in the Philippines, I read a lot. This also doesn't count my favorite series which I re-read. It has 9 books. 

So 2017:

I have big plans for this year. Plans of even more growth. Plans to spend more time loving people, and a lot less judging them. I plan to trust God more each day. I plan to invest greatly in relationships. I plan to get back into shape and eat less junk food (I know I know, that's what everyone says.). 

I have no doubt that 2017 will be amazing. 

Shalom 

Crazy but Beautiful Life

   Life has had me busy. Like the kind of busy that anything that takes extra effort is just too much. I've neglected a lot of things because of this: Journaling, reading, skyping, keeping up with people who aren't in my day to day life, blogging... the list goes on.

   I've just been exhausted. Exhausted because of the busyness of working full time at a job where I'm on my feet all day and I have to get up before 6. Exhausted because, let's face it, I'm an emotional creature, and my emotions have really been draining me lately. I could go on, but you get the idea. It's not that I'm not happy. My job is fine, I have a great family and friends.

  It's just that, ever since I got back from the Philippines, it feels like I'm starting over, or fresh... or something like that. It's not easy to find your place. It's hard to find what feels right, and what is actually productive.

   I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, or what I really want. It seems like everything comes back to this. Like... what do I even want? What should I be doing right now that will help me build a successful future? Am I just waisting my days away? Am I leaving my mark on those around me, and if so, is it one I should be proud of?

   I have a pretty picture of getting married, building a house on the ranch, having kids, writing books about history, spending summers in the Philippines doing ministry, and having a quiet life. I love this day dream. Maybe some of it will even happen, but it says nothing about between now and then.

   OK, okay. There are things I want for just me. I want to be known as someone who loves well. I want to be fluent in Tagalog. I want to be well read and spoken. I want to be a truly joyful person. I want to overcome the lies inside my head that say I'm not wanted. There are many things I want, but none of that really tells me much on what I need to *do*. I mean sort of.

So this is me. Messy but forever growing and learning. Even when it doesn't feel that way.

Shalom