Life has had me busy. Like the kind of busy that anything that takes extra effort is just too much. I've neglected a lot of things because of this: Journaling, reading, skyping, keeping up with people who aren't in my day to day life, blogging... the list goes on.
I've just been exhausted. Exhausted because of the busyness of working full time at a job where I'm on my feet all day and I have to get up before 6. Exhausted because, let's face it, I'm an emotional creature, and my emotions have really been draining me lately. I could go on, but you get the idea. It's not that I'm not happy. My job is fine, I have a great family and friends.
It's just that, ever since I got back from the Philippines, it feels like I'm starting over, or fresh... or something like that. It's not easy to find your place. It's hard to find what feels right, and what is actually productive.
I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, or what I really want. It seems like everything comes back to this. Like... what do I even want? What should I be doing right now that will help me build a successful future? Am I just waisting my days away? Am I leaving my mark on those around me, and if so, is it one I should be proud of?
I have a pretty picture of getting married, building a house on the ranch, having kids, writing books about history, spending summers in the Philippines doing ministry, and having a quiet life. I love this day dream. Maybe some of it will even happen, but it says nothing about between now and then.
OK, okay. There are things I want for just me. I want to be known as someone who loves well. I want to be fluent in Tagalog. I want to be well read and spoken. I want to be a truly joyful person. I want to overcome the lies inside my head that say I'm not wanted. There are many things I want, but none of that really tells me much on what I need to *do*. I mean sort of.
So this is me. Messy but forever growing and learning. Even when it doesn't feel that way.