5.19.2017

Pouring Rain



   You know that thing that happens sometimes in horse movies where the rider falls off but their foot gets stuck in the stirrup, so they get dragged through mud and rocks while the horse just gallops on? No? Well just imagine it, then. Because that's what it feels like is happening to me currently. I'm torn up and dirtied. Life right now can only be described as what I would call, a shit show.

   Now don't get me wrong, I know God is working, and with me, and all that. But guys, when it rains, it pours. And sometimes? There's hail.

  God is good. I know that. Some seasons are just hard. I get that. It doesn't make the hard season any less crappy though.

  I do have to say, I'm super extra thankful I have such amazing people in my life.

Shalom

4.17.2017

King of My Heart

"You're never gonna let
Never gonna let me down"

   It seems like everywhere I turn a new revelation is being poured over me. It's kinda cool, actually. It's the same revelation again and again lately, but each time I get a deeper understanding of what God truly wants me to know.

   Like a typical human, I'm constantly seeking things which make me feel happy and full. I'm realizing that God is that source. I mean, I knew this, but it's actually sinking in, now.

   I've done a lot of searching. I've desperately wanted to feel "full", but everything I've tried just leaves me feeling even more empty. I've turned to a lot of things before turning to Jesus. It's sad, really. But on days when I do go to God as my source? I've noticed that He makes all the difference.

   I'm not even talking about spending hours on my face, praying and reading my Bible (though there's nothing wrong with that, of course). I'm talking about little choices throughout my day. Talking to Him during my daily tasks. Maybe choosing worship music over something secular. It's little things that make all the difference for me. And man is the difference huge.


Let the King of my heart be the mountain where I run
The fountain I drink from oh He is my song
Let the King of my heart be the shadow where I hide
The ransom for my life oh He is my song

You are good good oh
You are good good oh

Let the King of my heart be the wind inside my sails 
The anchor in the waves oh He is my song 
Let the King of my heart me the fire inside my veins 
The echo of my days oh He is my song 

You're never gonna let never gonna let me down...

3.11.2017

Knowing is Half the Battle


  It's amazing how once you start to uncover the reasons why you are the way you are, and why you react to things the way you do, more revelations start falling into place. The puzzle pieces are starting to fit together. 

  I've known for awhile that constructive criticism is hard for me to take. Not hard to put into action in my life, but hard for me emotionally. I take it hard and very personally. It's not that I get offended, but more that I get down on myself for even needing the direction. I fear for my relationship with the person who gave it. My brain goes to a place of "they don't like me" "I'm a burden" "I'm not wanted". 

  This isn't because that was the person's intent at all, but instead because I place my value and  identity in the people around me and my abilities/talents. 

  Wow. 

   Where as if my security was in my Heavenly Dad, I wouldn't falter the way I do. I'd be able to take the constructive criticism and be better able to put it into action. Instead of having to wade through my emotions, while trying to grow from what they said. 

  It all comes down to my fear of not being wanted and being left alone because of it. It's irrational. Not only because of the amazing friends and family I have, but even more so, the amazing Dad I have. I want for nothing when I am living in relationship with Him. When I am living in surrender to Him. It's when I turn away that I start to crumble. 


  It's a process. It's a journey. But knowing is half the battle, right? 

3.02.2017

He's Especially Fond of Me

  I feel drained of all of my energy. Sapped of all ability to do anything.

  All that may sound extremely melodramatic, but it's how I feel right now.
I know that it all comes down to me trusting my heavenly Dad.

  I want to feel wanted. It's a feeling I can't get from friends or family. Or at least, if I do, it's fleeting. I know this. So I crave relationship. A boyfriend. A husband. Because, in my mind, it's the ultimate "I'm wanted", but again, this won't solve my craving.

  Only Daddy can do that. He's the only one who can quench my thirst and hunger to feel like for once in my life, I'm not unwanted. I'm not out of place. I'm not an after thought, I'm not an embarrassment.
I'm loved lavishly. Excitedly awaited. He is especially fond of me.

   You know, there's a difference between knowing and believing something in your head, and believing it so deeply in your heart that it ripples into every particle of your being.

  This is my journey. This is where I am. A heart wrenching, disbelieving, blubbering mess of a place. This won't be forever, though. I'm not at a standstill. I have a good good Daddy.

2.07.2017

Pruning


   I've learned in my journey with God, that there are a few dangerous things to ask Him. One of those things would be to say, " Lord, prune me."
Pruning is typically a hard and painful process. It's something that takes you being willing to give up whatever He asks, and really just drop on your knees before Him.

   That said, my heart is in need of pruning. I've found myself living in a state of "me me me", rather than a place of out pouring the love and joy which God has given me.

   I've been selfish. I've been jealous of people who have the things I want. I've been trying to pull myself together for my own selfish goals. I haven't been operating out of a place of love.

   Have you ever noticed that when you focus on truly loveing someone else, life starts lining up? And no, I don't mean using people as a distraction, but actually loving on them. Getting daily quiet time to fill up, and then pouring out on every person you come into contact with.

   Guys, I have my own goals and desires for my life and I get so focused on them.
 That's not God's heart for my life. He wants me to place my heart, dreams, and life in His hands, and then run after Him. I know for a fact that He made me to brighten people's days. He made me to be the smiling face, the word of encouragement, the sunny disposition. It's simple, and it rarely requires anything big from me. It simply requires me not being selfish. It requires me taking my eyes off my own life and turning them up to God.

   So I'm asking Him the risky question. I'm asking Him to prune me. In the ways I already see that I need, and also in the ways I'm unaware of. Because I want to grow. I want to flourish. I want to make an impact on the world around me. Even if I never get to see or experience the fruits of my labors.

Shalom

1.23.2017

Relationships and Growth


   Anyone who knows me would tell you I am no social butterfly. It's not as if I'm antisocial or anything, I was just made to love small groups and one on one time. Give me a sit down with one or two people and I'm thriving. God made me to be relational.

   I recently got a word that some kind of change would be coming in seven months, and a friend suggested that I focus on a few things in that time. Things I want growth in or that I want to change. Well, I have the things I already had on my brain, such as getting back into shape and being committed to time with God everyday. Those are God goals, and I will be working on them, but I felt like there was something more.


   I was just journaling (it's the best way for me to sit down and talk to God) and it dawned on me that I have some longings for change and growth relationally with Family members and some friends.

   I am a relational person, and the devil likes to attack that by filing my head with lies of not being wanted. This is something I intend to overcome with the help of my heavenly Father. I thrive in relationships. It's my love language. I feel valued when people spend time with me. So I'm not going to let the devil take this from me anymore.

  Lookout world. I have something to offer.

Shalom


1.17.2017

Living Life on My Face


   I find myself in a place of not knowing what the heck I even want from my life. I mean, I know big picture stuff, but details, I have no idea. It's easy to make the blanket statement of wanting to make a difference, etc, but not so easy for, me personally, to even know what I want. I have the day off today, and I literally spent my morning trying to just figure out how I wanted to spend my day.

   It's been awhile since I've really sat down and just journaled, so I decided to go to the great local coffee shop and just journal for a bit. Let me tell you, I don't know why I don't just do that first. Before even thinking about anything else.

   Guys, I got a pretty cool picture for 2017, from my friend: " So I got this picture of a little yellow mug. I saw it sitting before you and I heard the Lord say ' you want some coffee, reach for the mug ' . I kept seeing different scenarios for different things you wanted and the means to have it was set before you in your reach. It was an exciting feeling that all you had to do was reach out and grab it! The mug being bright yellow and vibrant made me feel hope, comfort, belonging. Extend your arms. 
I feel yellow about your life. Sunshine, music, joy, youthfulness, hope, delight, future, dancing, lightheartedness. 

   This is so exciting to me! It filled me with almost a heavy feeling though. I thought it meant that I had to figure out what He wants to give me, but He reminded me today, that it's not about that. It's about living a life of seeking His face. It's about laying my life down at His feet and then taking His hand to hold through life.

   I haven't really been living a life of surrender. Like at all. Which is a problem unless I like being stressed out and aimless. For the record, I don't. So I mean... maybe it would be a good idea to surrender. Its my goal to be able to look back at this year and be able to see the pattern of my good good Father. Not to look back and see a list of things that I did. I don't ever want that to be my life. God's story is so much better than mine.

Shalom, 


1.04.2017

2016-2017

2016 
It was the year that took me to live across the world, giving me one of the most amazing experiences of my life. It was the year I got my first adult job. It was the year I moved into the first place I truly felt I could call *mine* (aside from the house I grew up in). 
It truly was an amazing year for me. It had some rough patches, but as a whole, it was incredible and stretching and full of growth. 

I read a lot of books in this year (and watched a lot of movies and tv but I didn't keep track of that.). Here's the results:

JanuaryHouse of Hades- Rick Riordan
Popular- Tindell Baldwin
The blood of Olympus- Rick Riordan
When a good God allows rape-Joy Tan-Chi Mendoza

February
Paper towns- John Green
The 5th Wave- Rick Yancey
The Infanite Sea- Rick Yancey
The Martian- Andy Weir
Just Friends- Jenn Faulk
Stuck in the middle- Virginia smith

March
Age before beauty- Virginia Smith
Third time's the charm- Virginia Smith
Love does- Bob Goff
Anne of Green Gables- Lucy Maud Montgomery 
Pride and Prejudice- Jane Austen 
Till Death Do Us Part- Mike and Patti Paschall
Anne of Avonlea- Lucy Maud Montgomery 
Anne of Island- Lucy Maud Montgomery 

April
Anne of Windy polpurs  - Lucy Maud Montgomery 

July
Run- Ln Cronk and Jen Faulk

October 
Happily Ever After- Jen Faulk
Black- Ted Dekker

November 
Red- Ted Dekker
White-Ted Dekker

December 
The Girl on the Train- Paula Hawkins


Needless to say that during time in the Philippines, I read a lot. This also doesn't count my favorite series which I re-read. It has 9 books. 


So 2017:
I have big plans for this year. Plans of even more growth. Plans to spend more time loving people, and a lot less judging them. I plan to trust God more each day. I plan to invest greatly in relationships. I plan to get back into shape and eat less junk food (I know I know, that's what everyone says.). 

I have no doubt that 2017 will be amazing. 



Shalom