Finding myself in the midst of life

  I'm the type of person who easily loses herself in the hustle and bustle of life. Part of it is laziness, but it also has a lot to do with the fact that at the end of a busy day at work, I just want to turn off. I don't want to have to be a person. I've always struggled with hobbies because of this. It's not that I don't want to do things, but a lot of the time, it takes another person saying "let's do this thing", for me to be a productive human outside of work and adult requirements.

  I say all this not because I want to complain about my tendency to apathy in my life, but because I genuinely want to be better. I've grown a lot in 2017 with my vocal abilities. Those of you who know me well, know that singing is one of my favorite things in life. I honestly can't put into words what it does to my soul. So the fact that I have expanded my abilities this year is very exciting to me. It's awakened something in me that doesn't want to stop growing in the things I enjoy.

  My friend who has been giving me voice lessons suggested I learn piano, and even offered to teach me. Now, I took piano and guitar lessons as a child. I always quit because I didn't have enough drive, and honestly? Because Singing always came so easy to me, that having to push so much to learn an instrument was frustrating for me. But guys? I really want to be able to sit behind a piano and have my own little worship time. When I want to sing one of my favorite songs, I don't want to have to choose between singing a Capella or using a recording. I want to be able show off my God given talent and play/sing at my favorite coffee shop. I want those things so bad it makes my insides ache.

  It goes so much deeper than my desire to say "yeah, I have hobbies." . Along with my musical desires, I really want to start writing. Recently one of my patients and I were talking. She is an older woman who is an avid reader, as well as writer. I was sharing with her my desire to write about my dad's life, as other family members. I love history, so why wouldn't want the history of my own family documented? She was telling me, it's not about writing everything perfectly and knowing the whole story, but it's about making a list of what you do know and fleshing it out. The polishing will come when it comes. Now, technically I knew that, but I'd never thought about it in such simple terms. I also thought that to write about my dad, I needed to know everything. That isn't true. I need to do what all writers do, and write what I know.

  So here I am; documenting a moment in my life when I am expressing the desire to be more than what I am to other people. But to have substance even in my own time. Here's to growing and learning.

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