Made to Be

  I had a unique opportunity of tasting mothering, this month. A few weeks ago, Becky's cornea was scratched by her 2 yr old, Briah. I took Becky to the eye doctor, helped with the girls, and made dinner for her. 
 The next day, Briah broke out into a high fever. Becky being injured, needed extra help. I even watched Briah alone one morning, experiencing for the first time, what sick baby cuddles felt like, and how heart-wrenching and helpless it feels. 

  I got to play mom/homemaker. I had a moment of emotional pain that it wasn't my life. Not that I literally wanted to be living my sister's life, but that I so badly wanted my own version of that life. 

  I've always known that I wanted to be a homemaker/wife/mom, but the desire had never been so real before. It's what I was made to be. It's my calling. 


When I ____, I feel His pleasure

Five things I'm passionate about

  1. Singing. I love it. It's one thing that I really can't not do. 
  2. Helping people. I can be incredibly selfish in this area, and only help when I want to, but I'm slowly uncovering the "why" behind that. Because especially when it comes to the family kind of way of helping, I really love it.
  3. Laughing. Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a very easy sense of humor. I find humor, and thus a way to laugh, in most everything. 
  4. Relationship. I love deep relationships. The kind where I can 100% be me with the person and it's just deep and safe. 
  5. God. He effects greatly how I live my life. He is my stability and my peace. He breathed new life into my lungs. He made me His saint. 



How I want to spend my life

Dream Job and Why

   Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a stay at home wife/mom. I've never gotten excited about going to college and becoming a career woman. That just isn't who I am. I get excited about taking care of my home and my kids. 

   As to why? I don't have a straight answer for that. It's something that's built into me. I fully believe that it's what I am called to be. I want to spend my days caring for my kids and keeping house. Obviously I would do other things as well, such as ministry, but my "life's work" would be my family, and I'm totally okay with that. 

   The unfortunate part is I have to wait for it to be time for that. I'm not at that point in my life yet. I have to figure out what to do with my time until then. 


Hardest so far

The Hardest Thing I've Ever Experienced

   I've had a pretty easy life. I've never been abused, my parents are still married, I even grew up in a family who had enough money to get me my needs *and* wants. I consider myself blessed. I have experienced a few truly hear wrenching times, though. 

   I would have to say, leaving the Philippines was the hardest thing I've ever done. Now I don't know if it truly is, or if it's simply the freshest, but never the less, it's how I feel. 

   For three months I threw myself into the Filipino culture. I ate their food, attempted to speak their language, and really just did my best to be "one of them". During that time, I built friendships and created bonds. I "adopted" many little brothers and sisters. I went to the Philippines already being in love with it from my prior visit, but those three months made that country, those people, part of me. 
Ate Sha (Sharon)
El, Ervin, and Agaton

It's as if someone branded my heart. There isn't a day that goes by, that I don't think about the Philippines. Whether it be that I'm thinking about someone I love who is Filipino, reminiscing about the amazing times I had, or even dreaming about what kind of role the Philippines plays in my future, it crosses (and often stays for awhile) my mind everyday. I miss that beautiful place. I miss the smiling faces and the constant music. 

    Sometimes I feel lonely in America. I sometimes miss  my "me" time always being in public places, surrounded by people who would stop and stare at me because of my white skin. I miss the surprised look I always got when I said a word or two in Tagalog. I miss being called "Ate" everywhere I go. 

Donna Grace <3
  Leaving the Philippines ripped a part of my heart. It was almost more than I could bare. Being away is almost more than I can bare some days. Hard doesn't even begin to explain it. 



My Sources of Joy

The 5 things that make me most happy rightnow:

  1. Spending time with my nieces and nephews. I love to hear them laugh and see them smile.
  2. Being part of leading worship at Church. Worship has been so anointed, and so much fun.
  3. Just getting to hangout with my friends and talk about life. 
  4. Spending time with my Daddy God and dreaming about the future. 
  5. Playing cards with my family. I don't think that's ever not been fun. Our games are always filled with laughter. 



Dear Me

10 Things I would tell my 16 year old self
  1. That heart break and bitterness you're feeling? It won't always consume you. I promise you'll heal.
  2. Don't focus so much on having a guy. There are bigger things in life. 
  3. Find a way to learn Tagalog for your foreign language, and become fluent in it. You'll be thankful later. 
  4. Be a better friend. I know life isn't super easy for you right now, but you"ll learn a lot from pouring out love on others even when you're hurting. 
  5. Get your dang license. Seriously. And don't let mom and Papa skimp on the lessons of driving in the city. 
  6. Confide in Kt and Becky. They seriously care and they give really good advice. 
  7. Get a job, and start saving your money. The work experience will be great, and you"ll be thankful for the money stowed away. 
  8. Take an interest in cooking. It'll get you to eat healthier and make your life easier in the future. 
  9. Discover the love of your heavenly father, and allow that to kennel a passionate love for Him. 
  10. When you do Willy Wonka in a year? Don't pay any attention to Wes, but make friends with his girlfriend, you'll be glad you did on both accounts. 



I'm made up from pieces of them

                  "Describe your relationship with your parents"

   I feel my relationship with my parents is pretty typical. Everyone has a parent they're closer to, mine would be my mom. This is true for various reasons. 
One would be that we share the same faith, making it easier for me to talk about what is going on with me. 
Another would be the fact that I was homeschooled. Growing up I was with my mom all day every day.

   I don't have the kind of relationship with my mom that I pour out my heart and soul, but we talk about things and I do open up to her. When I was in the Philippines, it was hard not being able to talk to her just whenever. We talked at least once a week, and sometimes she would call me more, but I really did miss just being with her whenever I wanted. 

   My dad (Papa) and I aren't close like that. It's not that we don't get along at all or anything like that, we just don't have a very deep relationship. Again, there are various reasons for this. 
Papa and I do not share the same faith. Because of this I find it difficult to talk about things which are important to me. 
Growing up, and even now, Papa traveled a lot for work. Sometimes he was around and other times not. There was a lot of day to day stuff he often wasn't around for. 
Honestly I think one of the reasons is that we're both very stubborn, yet we see the world differently in many ways. Because we love each other and want to keep the peace when possible, it's easier not to delve into deeper matters very often.

  Papa and I have more of a fun and silly relationship. We have always gone to the movies together. Growing up, we would sing songs in the barn while we did chores. We have an on-going "poking" game. 

   Both of my parents have  played such a huge role in my life that I wouldn't be who I am without them. Because of them I strive to help others, work hard, am not afraid to act silly, ect.
I love them.




   On day two, I'm supposed to talk about three legitimate fears and how they became fears, but I think I'm going to hone in on one specifically that I don't talk about very much.

  Social anxiety. Now I'm not going to say that I suffer from social anxiety to the extreme of some people. As far as I know, I've never had a panic attack. I can choose to just breathe through my anxiety and do what I'm scared of, anyways, but it's definitely a thing for me.

   My anxiety comes from a place of being afraid that people don't want me around. I struggle with this fear even with my family and closest friends, sometimes.

  I'm an introvert, so of course I need my time alone to recharge, but I love people. I love spending time with people. Often before I do something with someone, though, I fight back anxiety and sometimes even the desire to just stay home.

  This ranges from small to huge things. I hate making phone calls for this reason.
Yesterday I spent the afternoon and night with my best friend for the 4th, but I had a lot of anxiety before and some even while I was there. I had a blast. I loved being with her and everyone else, but I still dealt with anxiety.
A few months ago, I went to visit a good friend of mine who lives out of state. I spent the weekend hanging out with him. Again, serious anxiety leading up.
Those are both examples with people whom I know really well and trust. It only gets worse with strangers. I really struggle in settings where I don't know anyone (or even if I just know one or two). It's not that I'm not friendly and don't talk to people, but I struggle to be myself at all because I'm so scared that I'm boring or annoying the people around me. I'm scared that they're wishing I wasn't there.

   I struggle to truly share my opinion and views on something, when someone else has already voiced theirs. I get uncomfortable and anxious. Partially because I don't want conflict, and because I don't want my differing opinion to scare them away.

   Again, I know I have it really good compared to a lot of people, but that doesn't make my anxiety any less real.



20 Random Facts

   I decided to kick off my new blog, I'd do 30 days of blogging. Day 1 is 20 random facts about myself.

  1. I will literally hum anything. My brain doesn't discriminate. 
  2. I don't understand people who treat animals as if they are humans. 
  3. I procrastinate easily.
  4. Stargate sg1 began my love for Sci/Fi shows, even though technically I was raised on Star Trek.
  5. I'm a super cuddly person, but I hide that part of myself from most people, because typically it's not accepted to lean on or be that close to people who aren't you s/o.
  6. When I'm stressed or upset, I don't want to be touched by anyone except for those I trust most. It's the one time that I have a bubble.
  7. I'm introverted, so if I don't get time to be alone and recharge, I get really grumpy and stressed. 
  8. Growing up on a ranch, I've seen many animals die. Only a few of those have made me seriously sad.
  9. While I was in the Philippines, "my" dog back home died. I was glad I was alone when I found out, because I sobbed.
  10. When I was five I got a big stuffed animal frog for Christmas. Her name is nurse froggy and I still take her with me whenever I move somewhere new. 
  11. I tend to feel more comfortable around people 10 years older than me, than people my own age. 
  12. I'm not shy, I just have a hard time around new people because I'm always fighting the fear that people don't want me around.
  13. I'm a texture person. It's likely if I don't like a food, it's because of the texture. 
  14. Going for a walk in open space is the best way for me to clear my head. I'll have music blasting in my ears, but I'm also probably talking it out... like out loud, but to myself.
  15. When I was a kid, I always had stories of life going on in my head. I don't do it constantly anymore, but I still do it a lot.
  16. I get defensive really quickly. Therefore I struggle to explain myself.
  17. It takes very little to get me emotional. 
  18. Being the youngest by so many years, I hate when people look at me as if I'm a little kid. It's important for me to feel like I'm seen as a person who actually has something to bring to a conversation. 
  19. I almost always have something swirling in my heart and mind that I want to talk/write about. I just don't always know how to form it into words. 
  20. I miss the Philippines and my friends there everyday.