Fears

   On day two, I'm supposed to talk about three legitimate fears and how they became fears, but I think I'm going to hone in on one specifically that I don't talk about very much.

  Social anxiety. Now I'm not going to say that I suffer from social anxiety to the extreme of some people. As far as I know, I've never had a panic attack. I can choose to just breathe through my anxiety and do what I'm scared of, anyways, but it's definitely a thing for me.

   My anxiety comes from a place of being afraid that people don't want me around. I struggle with this fear even with my family and closest friends, sometimes.

  I'm an introvert, so of course I need my time alone to recharge, but I love people. I love spending time with people. Often before I do something with someone, though, I fight back anxiety and sometimes even the desire to just stay home.

  This ranges from small to huge things. I hate making phone calls for this reason.
Yesterday I spent the afternoon and night with my best friend for the 4th, but I had a lot of anxiety before and some even while I was there. I had a blast. I loved being with her and everyone else, but I still dealt with anxiety.
A few months ago, I went to visit a good friend of mine who lives out of state. I spent the weekend hanging out with him. Again, serious anxiety leading up.
Those are both examples with people whom I know really well and trust. It only gets worse with strangers. I really struggle in settings where I don't know anyone (or even if I just know one or two). It's not that I'm not friendly and don't talk to people, but I struggle to be myself at all because I'm so scared that I'm boring or annoying the people around me. I'm scared that they're wishing I wasn't there.

   I struggle to truly share my opinion and views on something, when someone else has already voiced theirs. I get uncomfortable and anxious. Partially because I don't want conflict, and because I don't want my differing opinion to scare them away.


   Again, I know I have it really good compared to a lot of people, but that doesn't make my anxiety any less real.


Shalom