32 weeks and counting....

   As I sit here, just over 7 weeks away from giving birth to my first biological child, I'm in awe that I'm so close. This has been something I've dreamed of since before I can remember, and in a lot of ways it's exceeded my expectations. 

   Being sick and having no energy was hard in the first trimester, but seeing my daughter on the sonograms and hearing her heart beat gave me a feeling I can't begin to describe. 

   The second trimester was physically really easy. It's when I started feeling her move, and when I learned that she was a girl. I had all my energy back, and I was actually starting to *look* pregnant. Emotionally though, it was a big struggle. I learned that I would have to have a C-section, instead of having the completely natural birth that I've always dreamed of. To say that I was able to take it all at face value and just see the things I should be thankful for, would be a big huge lie. My Doctor told me the news over the phone, and instead of being able to keep my wits about me and ask intelligent questions, I got off the phone as quickly as possible. Why, you ask? Because I felt a massive emotional breakdown coming. I locked myself in the bathroom at work and just sobbed for a few minutes. It would be safe to say I cried everyday for about a week before I was able to start to come to terms with my situation. I was grieving the loss of my dream. Also, I was pissed at God for not putting me back together and healing me to have my child naturally. It was a feeling of missing out on a beautiful experience. Somehow God brought me through to the other side, though. 

   Now on my 32nd week and in my third trimester, I have a lot better of an outlook on my birth plan. God blessed me immensely with the specialists He provided for me. They are kind and knowledgeable. I truly am looking forward to working with them. Of course I'm apprehensive of having surgery, especially since mine won't be routine, but I'm trusting that God will walk me through it and keep me safe. I'm so in love with feeling my daughter move. Even with her still inside my womb, I'm learning her personality. Every night before bed, Justin will put his mouth to my stomach and talk to her, which is honestly the highlight of my day. She gets so excited when she hears his voice. 

   I'm so excited for November to get here so that she can come out and meet us. Which has nothing to do with how done with being swollen and having a basketball for a stomach, I am, haha. 

Adulting

   Adulting is learning how to budget out your money so that you're not broke right after payday.
It's keeping up with your laundry and not letting the dishes out of control. Adulting means you do what you have to do to take care of yourself and your family (if you have one). It means you put off that weekend away you wanted, so you can catch-up financially.

   Being an adult isn't exactly fun much of the time, but it can be rewarding. The wife and mom life is exhausting, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have longed for this life for my entire life. It't harder than I ever imagined, but I was made for this. I was made to love my husband and children. I'm honestly in awe of the fact that God has brought me to this point. I'm working. I'm growing. I'm fighting hard everyday, and I won't stop!

Adulting is just a fact of life.

Trust

    You know, they don't tell you how hard the transitions of life are going to be. They don't tell you about the trials, hick-ups, and unforeseen issues. They don't tell you that financial stability is a joke for most people.

   I'm newly married, and a new homeowner. I honestly am so blessed with the life God has given me. My husband is loving and attentive. I adore my bonus-daughter. Our new home is beautiful.... there's always a "but". It ultimately comes down to money. Our house is placed, the land cleared, but we've come up short. As seems to be the trend. I know that this, along with so much else in life, is a beautiful test of faith and trust in my Heavenly Daddy, but I'd be lying if I told you I'm not sick to my stomach with anxiety. I just want to live in my new home. I want for everything to be hooked up and ready for us. I don't want my faith to be trusted. I just want to skip right to the blessing at the end. I'm sick with worry of how everything is going to come together, and how we'll get it all paid for. This is our home. It's not something we can cut corners on or half-ass.

  Don't get me wrong, God has already shown-up in mighty ways. Which just makes it more ridiculous that I'm struggling to sit at His feet, instead of pacing anxiously. I can't see the end, so I worry. All I can see is what hasn't been done and the dollar signs adding up. Truthfully, I'm allowing myself to become painfully weighed down. I need to give Jesus my burdens.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  

Matthew 11:28-30

Abba, 

   I ask you for help. I sit here, laying my burdens at the foot of the cross. They are not mine to carry. Help me to not pick them up anymore, and if I do, remind me to set them down again. I choose to trust you to take care of my family and I. It's hard to see how right-now, but I know that you love us and you will not leave us high and dry. 

  I thank you for all that you've already done. You've already shown up in mighty ways, and I trust that you will never stop doing so. 

  Give us guidance as we move forward, and wisedom to know when to wait. Pour your peace over us. 

  We love you, Dad. 

In Jesus Name, Amen