Life the last few months has been a bit of a whirlwind. Mixed with struggles, change, and growth. I now have a different job, which I really love. It's not stressful, the environment is uplifting, and I enjoy the people I work with.

   This summer has been a lot about trusting God's timing, and honestly continues to be that way. I've been struggling (though not as hard as I should) to find deeper intimacy with my Daddy God. I've found that all my problems stem from a lack of intimacy with Him.

  I am currently on vacation visiting some of my favorite people, and I'm taking this opportunity to refresh. To use my down time to read, pray, and worship. To work on my relationship with Dad. Yesterday, I was reading a book and it made a point that shifted everything in my brain. It talked about the difference between living with a scarcity mentality and living with a mentality of abundance.

  I'm surrounded by people who's lives are coming together. They're finding their person, getting married, having kids. Whatever stage they might be in. I am truly happy for them, don't get me wrong, but there's a part of me that's jealous. A part of me that wonders if I'll get an amazing life. If there will even be anything left for me to have. I'm living with a mentality of scarcity. A mentality of abundance wouldn't think this way. It would realize that someone else's great opportunities and happiness doesn't mean that I have lost out.

  Wow. Realizing that, was crazy for me. So now, I'm working to shift my mindset. I'm praying into the renewal of my mind and heart. Jealousy isn't something I want to feel. I want to feel joy for everyone around me. Untainted joy. So here's to a lifestyle of abundance.


Never judge a book by its cover

I have never understood why everyone is so focused on appearance. Why does it matter what color skin a person has, or how they choose to alter themselves?

This is specifically a problem in the work place. The interviewer sees a candidate who may be great for the job, but they have things that don't go along with the dress code. Their hair is the wrong color, or tattoos/piercings showing. Things that have zero effect on their ability to get the job done.

Personally, it's all discrimination. Unless the dress code is specifically talking about the type of clothing they would like their employees to wear and that's it, it's inappropriate.

I get it, the business has an image that's important to them, but that doesn't mean what their asking is okay.

Obviously this is a personal issue for me. I have blue bits of hair, a nose ring, and tattoos on my wrists and collar bone. Yes, I chose to do these things, and maybe it's naive and entitled of me. But that doesn't change the fact that this shouldn't even be a problem. It shouldn't matter. Whether I get hired or not should have nothing to do with me physically and have everything to do with my abilities to work.


Pouring Rain

   You know that thing that happens sometimes in horse movies where the rider falls off but their foot gets stuck in the stirrup, so they get dragged through mud and rocks while the horse just gallops on? No? Well just imagine it, then. Because that's what it feels like is happening to me currently. I'm torn up and dirtied. Life right now can only be described as what I would call, a shit show.

   Now don't get me wrong, I know God is working, and with me, and all that. But guys, when it rains, it pours. And sometimes? There's hail.

  God is good. I know that. Some seasons are just hard. I get that. It doesn't make the hard season any less crappy though.

  I do have to say, I'm super extra thankful I have such amazing people in my life.



King of My Heart

"You're never gonna let
Never gonna let me down"

   It seems like everywhere I turn a new revelation is being poured over me. It's kinda cool, actually. It's the same revelation again and again lately, but each time I get a deeper understanding of what God truly wants me to know.

   Like a typical human, I'm constantly seeking things which make me feel happy and full. I'm realizing that God is that source. I mean, I knew this, but it's actually sinking in, now.

   I've done a lot of searching. I've desperately wanted to feel "full", but everything I've tried just leaves me feeling even more empty. I've turned to a lot of things before turning to Jesus. It's sad, really. But on days when I do go to God as my source? I've noticed that He makes all the difference.

   I'm not even talking about spending hours on my face, praying and reading my Bible (though there's nothing wrong with that, of course). I'm talking about little choices throughout my day. Talking to Him during my daily tasks. Maybe choosing worship music over something secular. It's little things that make all the difference for me. And man is the difference huge.

Let the King of my heart be the mountain where I run
The fountain I drink from oh He is my song
Let the King of my heart be the shadow where I hide
The ransom for my life oh He is my song

You are good good oh
You are good good oh

Let the King of my heart be the wind inside my sails 
The anchor in the waves oh He is my song 
Let the King of my heart me the fire inside my veins 
The echo of my days oh He is my song 

You're never gonna let never gonna let me down...


Knowing is Half the Battle

  It's amazing how once you start to uncover the reasons why you are the way you are, and why you react to things the way you do, more revelations start falling into place. The puzzle pieces are starting to fit together. 

  I've known for awhile that constructive criticism is hard for me to take. Not hard to put into action in my life, but hard for me emotionally. I take it hard and very personally. It's not that I get offended, but more that I get down on myself for even needing the direction. I fear for my relationship with the person who gave it. My brain goes to a place of "they don't like me" "I'm a burden" "I'm not wanted". 

  This isn't because that was the person's intent at all, but instead because I place my value and  identity in the people around me and my abilities/talents. 


   Where as if my security was in my Heavenly Dad, I wouldn't falter the way I do. I'd be able to take the constructive criticism and be better able to put it into action. Instead of having to wade through my emotions, while trying to grow from what they said. 

  It all comes down to my fear of not being wanted and being left alone because of it. It's irrational. Not only because of the amazing friends and family I have, but even more so, the amazing Dad I have. I want for nothing when I am living in relationship with Him. When I am living in surrender to Him. It's when I turn away that I start to crumble. 

  It's a process. It's a journey. But knowing is half the battle, right? 


He's Especially Fond of Me

  I feel drained of all of my energy. Sapped of all ability to do anything.

  All that may sound extremely melodramatic, but it's how I feel right now.
I know that it all comes down to me trusting my heavenly Dad.

  I want to feel wanted. It's a feeling I can't get from friends or family. Or at least, if I do, it's fleeting. I know this. So I crave relationship. A boyfriend. A husband. Because, in my mind, it's the ultimate "I'm wanted", but again, this won't solve my craving.

  Only Daddy can do that. He's the only one who can quench my thirst and hunger to feel like for once in my life, I'm not unwanted. I'm not out of place. I'm not an after thought, I'm not an embarrassment.
I'm loved lavishly. Excitedly awaited. He is especially fond of me.

   You know, there's a difference between knowing and believing something in your head, and believing it so deeply in your heart that it ripples into every particle of your being.

  This is my journey. This is where I am. A heart wrenching, disbelieving, blubbering mess of a place. This won't be forever, though. I'm not at a standstill. I have a good good Daddy.



   I've learned in my journey with God, that there are a few dangerous things to ask Him. One of those things would be to say, " Lord, prune me."
Pruning is typically a hard and painful process. It's something that takes you being willing to give up whatever He asks, and really just drop on your knees before Him.

   That said, my heart is in need of pruning. I've found myself living in a state of "me me me", rather than a place of out pouring the love and joy which God has given me.

   I've been selfish. I've been jealous of people who have the things I want. I've been trying to pull myself together for my own selfish goals. I haven't been operating out of a place of love.

   Have you ever noticed that when you focus on truly loveing someone else, life starts lining up? And no, I don't mean using people as a distraction, but actually loving on them. Getting daily quiet time to fill up, and then pouring out on every person you come into contact with.

   Guys, I have my own goals and desires for my life and I get so focused on them.
 That's not God's heart for my life. He wants me to place my heart, dreams, and life in His hands, and then run after Him. I know for a fact that He made me to brighten people's days. He made me to be the smiling face, the word of encouragement, the sunny disposition. It's simple, and it rarely requires anything big from me. It simply requires me not being selfish. It requires me taking my eyes off my own life and turning them up to God.

   So I'm asking Him the risky question. I'm asking Him to prune me. In the ways I already see that I need, and also in the ways I'm unaware of. Because I want to grow. I want to flourish. I want to make an impact on the world around me. Even if I never get to see or experience the fruits of my labors.