Finding myself in the midst of life

  I'm the type of person who easily loses herself in the hustle and bustle of life. Part of it is laziness, but it also has a lot to do with the fact that at the end of a busy day at work, I just want to turn off. I don't want to have to be a person. I've always struggled with hobbies because of this. It's not that I don't want to do things, but a lot of the time, it takes another person saying "let's do this thing", for me to be a productive human outside of work and adult requirements.

  I say all this not because I want to complain about my tendency to apathy in my life, but because I genuinely want to be better. I've grown a lot in 2017 with my vocal abilities. Those of you who know me well, know that singing is one of my favorite things in life. I honestly can't put into words what it does to my soul. So the fact that I have expanded my abilities this year is very exciting to me. It's awakened something in me that doesn't want to stop growing in the things I enjoy.

  My friend who has been giving me voice lessons suggested I learn piano, and even offered to teach me. Now, I took piano and guitar lessons as a child. I always quit because I didn't have enough drive, and honestly? Because Singing always came so easy to me, that having to push so much to learn an instrument was frustrating for me. But guys? I really want to be able to sit behind a piano and have my own little worship time. When I want to sing one of my favorite songs, I don't want to have to choose between singing a Capella or using a recording. I want to be able show off my God given talent and play/sing at my favorite coffee shop. I want those things so bad it makes my insides ache.

  It goes so much deeper than my desire to say "yeah, I have hobbies." . Along with my musical desires, I really want to start writing. Recently one of my patients and I were talking. She is an older woman who is an avid reader, as well as writer. I was sharing with her my desire to write about my dad's life, as other family members. I love history, so why wouldn't want the history of my own family documented? She was telling me, it's not about writing everything perfectly and knowing the whole story, but it's about making a list of what you do know and fleshing it out. The polishing will come when it comes. Now, technically I knew that, but I'd never thought about it in such simple terms. I also thought that to write about my dad, I needed to know everything. That isn't true. I need to do what all writers do, and write what I know.

  So here I am; documenting a moment in my life when I am expressing the desire to be more than what I am to other people. But to have substance even in my own time. Here's to growing and learning.


For the Kingdom

   Lately life has felt quite messy. -Though, I suppose life is always messy, there are just times when it is more apparent to us because of situations that arise.- I've allowed the goings on of life to not only distract, but over-whelm me. So much so that some days it really seems as though I'm just going through the motions of life because I have no other option. I've lost sight of having actual communion with God, and in return, being a vessel for His living water to flow through.

   I'm currently reading (or listening to.. I love audible) Blessed Child by Ted Dekker. It's about a boy named Caleb who was raised in a monetary in Ethiopia. He was taught from a very young age to "seek first the kingdom of God", that inside of us, there isn't room for both light and darkness, therefore a choice must be made as to what we will live for.

   I haven't been living for the kingdom. I've been living for laziness and ease of life. What do I do in my down time alone? Typically, watch Netflix. I don't use my time wisely, and I don't fill myself with real worthwhile things. Things that not only are life giving, but also things that cultivate growth.

   Eight years from now I will be 30. I don't want to look back on my 20s and think "man... what a waste..". I want to have a long list of books that I've read, both fiction and non-fiction. I want to be in a vastly different place in my walk with God. I want my friendships to be deep. I don't want to live my life on the internet.

  I am thankful for so many things about this day and age, but we are certainly surrounded by so many distractions. Distractions by which I feel controlled at times. I believe the vast amount of people diagnosed with ADHD, don't actually have it. They just never have had to focus on one thing for any amount of time. I mean, I can't even make myself watch a tv show hardly, without having my phone out also.

  Something I'm challenging myself to do, is to be more unplugged. I don't need to be on Facebook twenty times a day, or any other social media for that matter. I don't need my phone as a buffer in social situations, though that one I am currently having an inner struggle about. The first thing I do every morning, before even getting out of bed, is get on social media. I'm wasting my life on this junk.

  How can I expect to pour the love of God out onto every person I meet, if most of what I fill myself with is tv and the internet? Honestly, I don't know how to change things except by stopping each time I catch myself just disappearing into my phone.

  God has so much for me in this world, and I'm missing it. I don't want to live this way. I want to be the change I want to see in this world. I want to be different. So this is me, fighting to grow and change. Fighting to be more than the norm.




   Life the last few months has been a bit of a whirlwind. Mixed with struggles, change, and growth. I now have a different job, which I really love. It's not stressful, the environment is uplifting, and I enjoy the people I work with.

   This summer has been a lot about trusting God's timing, and honestly continues to be that way. I've been struggling (though not as hard as I should) to find deeper intimacy with my Daddy God. I've found that all my problems stem from a lack of intimacy with Him.

  I am currently on vacation visiting some of my favorite people, and I'm taking this opportunity to refresh. To use my down time to read, pray, and worship. To work on my relationship with Dad. Yesterday, I was reading a book and it made a point that shifted everything in my brain. It talked about the difference between living with a scarcity mentality and living with a mentality of abundance.

  I'm surrounded by people who's lives are coming together. They're finding their person, getting married, having kids. Whatever stage they might be in. I am truly happy for them, don't get me wrong, but there's a part of me that's jealous. A part of me that wonders if I'll get an amazing life. If there will even be anything left for me to have. I'm living with a mentality of scarcity. A mentality of abundance wouldn't think this way. It would realize that someone else's great opportunities and happiness doesn't mean that I have lost out.

  Wow. Realizing that, was crazy for me. So now, I'm working to shift my mindset. I'm praying into the renewal of my mind and heart. Jealousy isn't something I want to feel. I want to feel joy for everyone around me. Untainted joy. So here's to a lifestyle of abundance.


Never judge a book by its cover

I have never understood why everyone is so focused on appearance. Why does it matter what color skin a person has, or how they choose to alter themselves?

This is specifically a problem in the work place. The interviewer sees a candidate who may be great for the job, but they have things that don't go along with the dress code. Their hair is the wrong color, or tattoos/piercings showing. Things that have zero effect on their ability to get the job done.

Personally, it's all discrimination. Unless the dress code is specifically talking about the type of clothing they would like their employees to wear and that's it, it's inappropriate.

I get it, the business has an image that's important to them, but that doesn't mean what their asking is okay.

Obviously this is a personal issue for me. I have blue bits of hair, a nose ring, and tattoos on my wrists and collar bone. Yes, I chose to do these things, and maybe it's naive and entitled of me. But that doesn't change the fact that this shouldn't even be a problem. It shouldn't matter. Whether I get hired or not should have nothing to do with me physically and have everything to do with my abilities to work.


Pouring Rain

   You know that thing that happens sometimes in horse movies where the rider falls off but their foot gets stuck in the stirrup, so they get dragged through mud and rocks while the horse just gallops on? No? Well just imagine it, then. Because that's what it feels like is happening to me currently. I'm torn up and dirtied. Life right now can only be described as what I would call, a shit show.

   Now don't get me wrong, I know God is working, and with me, and all that. But guys, when it rains, it pours. And sometimes? There's hail.

  God is good. I know that. Some seasons are just hard. I get that. It doesn't make the hard season any less crappy though.

  I do have to say, I'm super extra thankful I have such amazing people in my life.



King of My Heart

"You're never gonna let
Never gonna let me down"

   It seems like everywhere I turn a new revelation is being poured over me. It's kinda cool, actually. It's the same revelation again and again lately, but each time I get a deeper understanding of what God truly wants me to know.

   Like a typical human, I'm constantly seeking things which make me feel happy and full. I'm realizing that God is that source. I mean, I knew this, but it's actually sinking in, now.

   I've done a lot of searching. I've desperately wanted to feel "full", but everything I've tried just leaves me feeling even more empty. I've turned to a lot of things before turning to Jesus. It's sad, really. But on days when I do go to God as my source? I've noticed that He makes all the difference.

   I'm not even talking about spending hours on my face, praying and reading my Bible (though there's nothing wrong with that, of course). I'm talking about little choices throughout my day. Talking to Him during my daily tasks. Maybe choosing worship music over something secular. It's little things that make all the difference for me. And man is the difference huge.

Let the King of my heart be the mountain where I run
The fountain I drink from oh He is my song
Let the King of my heart be the shadow where I hide
The ransom for my life oh He is my song

You are good good oh
You are good good oh

Let the King of my heart be the wind inside my sails 
The anchor in the waves oh He is my song 
Let the King of my heart me the fire inside my veins 
The echo of my days oh He is my song 

You're never gonna let never gonna let me down...


Knowing is Half the Battle

  It's amazing how once you start to uncover the reasons why you are the way you are, and why you react to things the way you do, more revelations start falling into place. The puzzle pieces are starting to fit together. 

  I've known for awhile that constructive criticism is hard for me to take. Not hard to put into action in my life, but hard for me emotionally. I take it hard and very personally. It's not that I get offended, but more that I get down on myself for even needing the direction. I fear for my relationship with the person who gave it. My brain goes to a place of "they don't like me" "I'm a burden" "I'm not wanted". 

  This isn't because that was the person's intent at all, but instead because I place my value and  identity in the people around me and my abilities/talents. 


   Where as if my security was in my Heavenly Dad, I wouldn't falter the way I do. I'd be able to take the constructive criticism and be better able to put it into action. Instead of having to wade through my emotions, while trying to grow from what they said. 

  It all comes down to my fear of not being wanted and being left alone because of it. It's irrational. Not only because of the amazing friends and family I have, but even more so, the amazing Dad I have. I want for nothing when I am living in relationship with Him. When I am living in surrender to Him. It's when I turn away that I start to crumble. 

  It's a process. It's a journey. But knowing is half the battle, right?