It’s only the beginning

   It feels strange to say that trying to breastfeed may be one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to accomplish, but I think it could easily be true. 

I has been such an emotional journey. More so than I ever imagined it would be. From Ember latching on in recovery, to her fighting feeds, to her dropping too much weight, to me starting my pumping journey, to her gaining her weight back but then refusing the breast, to getting her tongue tie revised and her still refusing to nurse… it’s been a lot. I’ve cried countless tears. I’ve yelled at God... I’ve begged Him to do something, and now I think I’m on a journey to accepting where we’re at and grieving the nursing journey I wanted. 

  

   I know that this is just the beginning of things not going my way. A good friend told me that when I found out I had to have a C-section, and another good friend said that this is just the beginning of having to trust God with my daughter. 

  

   I’m trying to take this thing one step at a time. I’m making small goals for myself. I have officially been pumping for two months as of January 18th. My next goal is to make it to three. I would love to look back a year from now and say that I pumped for a year, but I know that to make it, I need small goals. Not a huge daunting one. 

  

   Pumping takes a lot of planning and forethought. It’s time consuming. But I love every ounce of breast milk I’m able to give my daughter. 

11.13.19

   We awoke early in anticipation of what the day was to hold. I remember being tired still from the typical night of waking to use the bathroom multiple times. I also remember feeling anxious, and not just the excited kind. Even with having weeks to prepare, I was still scared to have surgery. 

   I was sitting up in bed and Justin must have felt my apprehension, because without a word, he prayed over the three of us and the upcoming day. I cried, thankful for my husband. 

   The short drive to the hospital had me a ball of nerves. I remember praying over and over that my parents would make it before I even had to go back. Thankfully they did. Justin and I were still in the waiting room when mom and papa came out of the elevator. We all got to go to the recovery room where I would be prepped before the cesarean. 

   This started the long wait to be taken down to the OR. My cesarean was pushed back a few times. We checked into the hospital at 7AM, but didn’t go for surgery until close to 11AM. Longest hours of my life. I was so done waiting, but I had no choice. 

   Finally they came with my wheelchair to wheel me down to the OR. Justin had to wait outside of the OR while they prepped me and I felt that in the pit of my stomach. I remember the nurses and everyone prepping me being so nice. They were doing their best to keep me calm and for awhile it worked. By the time I was numbed and strapped to the table, I was so full of anxiety that I held back tears multiple times. I probably asked them three or four times when Justin could come in. When he finally came, I was shaking from nerves and holding back tears. Having him by me helped take a lot of my anxiety away though. 

   It was time. The surgery began. I felt no pain, but all the tugging and pulling. What a weird sensation. It went so quickly. Before I knew it, Ember was being pulled from me. It took her a moment to cry. They flipped her around and then suddenly… that cry. She was okay. They lowered the drape so I could see her. Justin was able to follow her over to the warmer where she was checked, and soon it was just him and her. She was perfect. 

  I started to feel a little funny, a sensation of heartburn. I asked the person behind my head if this was normal. It was and it also wasn’t uncommon to get nauseated. Boy was that the truth. Before I knew what was happening, I was hit with a wave of nausea. They brought me a cool cloth, an alcohol swab to smell, and took the warm blanket off of me. I was told there was medicine they could give me, but they wanted to try the other stuff first because the medication would make me a little drowsy. It helped at first. But then it didn’t. I felt like I needed to vomit. I was dry heaving. My Doctor had to stop because I was moving too much. It was time for the medicine. I was scared and miserable. 

  I remember hearing my doctor say that if this didn’t work, they would have to put me under. 

I didn’t want that. Going under would mean I couldn’t go back to the L&D recovery with Ember. She would be taken to the nursery and I would have to recover without her. I couldn’t let that happen. I was not doing well. They asked me if I wanted Justin and I said yes. He held my hand and talked me through it. The medicine was helping and I was also mentally able to get to a better place. Dry heaving wasn’t going to help me. There was nothing in my stomach to vomit. The nausea subsided, but the tugging and pulling still felt awful to me. The medicine has also made everything a little slow and hazy. But I was okay. 

  Once I was stable nausea wise, Justin got Ember from the warmer and held her by my head. My sweet daughter. I couldn’t believe she was mine. That she was *ours*. 

  When I was finally stitched and glued up, my doctor said the surgery went beautifully and she was going to go update my parents. 

  I was transferred onto a transport bed and then it was time. Time for me to hold my daughter for the first time. She was placed on my chest skin to skin. I was in awe. I still felt a little funny because of the medicine, but I was okay. I had done it. I had birthed my daughter and lived to tell the tale. 

  Back at the recovery room my parents were there to meet us. Soon Justin’s parents came in with Ava so she could also meet her brand new baby sister. I was enjoying my skin to skin cuddle time with my daughter, so they all just had to look at her and wait. She was perfection. Everyone said so. I knew she was. I thanked God for her. 

Ember Donae Hakes 8lbs 9oz 19.5 inches long. Born November 13th 2019