Knowing is Half the Battle

  It's amazing how once you start to uncover the reasons why you are the way you are, and why you react to things the way you do, more revelations start falling into place. The puzzle pieces are starting to fit together. 

  I've known for awhile that constructive criticism is hard for me to take. Not hard to put into action in my life, but hard for me emotionally. I take it hard and very personally. It's not that I get offended, but more that I get down on myself for even needing the direction. I fear for my relationship with the person who gave it. My brain goes to a place of "they don't like me" "I'm a burden" "I'm not wanted". 

  This isn't because that was the person's intent at all, but instead because I place my value and  identity in the people around me and my abilities/talents. 


   Where as if my security was in my Heavenly Dad, I wouldn't falter the way I do. I'd be able to take the constructive criticism and be better able to put it into action. Instead of having to wade through my emotions, while trying to grow from what they said. 

  It all comes down to my fear of not being wanted and being left alone because of it. It's irrational. Not only because of the amazing friends and family I have, but even more so, the amazing Dad I have. I want for nothing when I am living in relationship with Him. When I am living in surrender to Him. It's when I turn away that I start to crumble. 

  It's a process. It's a journey. But knowing is half the battle, right? 


He's Especially Fond of Me

  I feel drained of all of my energy. Sapped of all ability to do anything.

  All that may sound extremely melodramatic, but it's how I feel right now.
I know that it all comes down to me trusting my heavenly Dad.

  I want to feel wanted. It's a feeling I can't get from friends or family. Or at least, if I do, it's fleeting. I know this. So I crave relationship. A boyfriend. A husband. Because, in my mind, it's the ultimate "I'm wanted", but again, this won't solve my craving.

  Only Daddy can do that. He's the only one who can quench my thirst and hunger to feel like for once in my life, I'm not unwanted. I'm not out of place. I'm not an after thought, I'm not an embarrassment.
I'm loved lavishly. Excitedly awaited. He is especially fond of me.

   You know, there's a difference between knowing and believing something in your head, and believing it so deeply in your heart that it ripples into every particle of your being.

  This is my journey. This is where I am. A heart wrenching, disbelieving, blubbering mess of a place. This won't be forever, though. I'm not at a standstill. I have a good good Daddy.