Adulting

   Adulting is learning how to budget out your money so that you're not broke right after payday.
It's keeping up with your laundry and not letting the dishes out of control. Adulting means you do what you have to do to take care of yourself and your family (if you have one). It means you put off that weekend away you wanted, so you can catch-up financially.

   Being an adult isn't exactly fun much of the time, but it can be rewarding. The wife and mom life is exhausting, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have longed for this life for my entire life. It't harder than I ever imagined, but I was made for this. I was made to love my husband and children. I'm honestly in awe of the fact that God has brought me to this point. I'm working. I'm growing. I'm fighting hard everyday, and I won't stop!

Adulting is just a fact of life.

Trust

    You know, they don't tell you how hard the transitions of life are going to be. They don't tell you about the trials, hick-ups, and unforeseen issues. They don't tell you that financial stability is a joke for most people.

   I'm newly married, and a new homeowner. I honestly am so blessed with the life God has given me. My husband is loving and attentive. I adore my bonus-daughter. Our new home is beautiful.... there's always a "but". It ultimately comes down to money. Our house is placed, the land cleared, but we've come up short. As seems to be the trend. I know that this, along with so much else in life, is a beautiful test of faith and trust in my Heavenly Daddy, but I'd be lying if I told you I'm not sick to my stomach with anxiety. I just want to live in my new home. I want for everything to be hooked up and ready for us. I don't want my faith to be trusted. I just want to skip right to the blessing at the end. I'm sick with worry of how everything is going to come together, and how we'll get it all paid for. This is our home. It's not something we can cut corners on or half-ass.

  Don't get me wrong, God has already shown-up in mighty ways. Which just makes it more ridiculous that I'm struggling to sit at His feet, instead of pacing anxiously. I can't see the end, so I worry. All I can see is what hasn't been done and the dollar signs adding up. Truthfully, I'm allowing myself to become painfully weighed down. I need to give Jesus my burdens.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  

Matthew 11:28-30

Abba, 

   I ask you for help. I sit here, laying my burdens at the foot of the cross. They are not mine to carry. Help me to not pick them up anymore, and if I do, remind me to set them down again. I choose to trust you to take care of my family and I. It's hard to see how right-now, but I know that you love us and you will not leave us high and dry. 

  I thank you for all that you've already done. You've already shown up in mighty ways, and I trust that you will never stop doing so. 

  Give us guidance as we move forward, and wisedom to know when to wait. Pour your peace over us. 

  We love you, Dad. 

In Jesus Name, Amen

   

Calling

   I have this tendency to forget the calling which was placed on my life. Not just the calling of worship (though I know without a shadow of doubt that worship is something in which I have been called).
   I have been called to be a light. I have been called to shine Jesus. I have been called to change atmospheres. In my day to day life I come into contact with many people, and for a few minutes at a time, they are looking to me. Now, to them, they may only be speaking to me so I can get their next appointment scheduled, but that in no way removes the responsibility I carry.
   It is my choice whether I speak life or death. It is up to me if I am going to just idly go about my day, or if I will take hold of the opportunity I have been given to make a difference.

   Something I have been working on is having a quiet time each morning. How can I expect to pour out onto others, when I haven't filled up? You see, I know that, as a christian, I am an atmosphere changer. If I've filled up with Jesus and geared myself up for the day, perhaps I might walk into a room and shine light. My attitude has power. My words have power. My actions have power. They either show Jesus or they don't. There is no middle ground. So what will my choice be?

Life or Death?

Hope

  Hope: a desired expectation

   I used to think that hope was basically the same thing as wishing for something, but I've learned that a "wish" is far to flimsy to be compared to "hope". Hope has solid footing. Hope, while different goes hand in hand with faith. Faith is essentially trust. You can't hope for something without first having faith in something.

   I'm a hope filled person. I live my life in such a way that I'm hoping for things to come. The issue is, my hope is typically too focused on the thing I want to happen, and not placed in the one who will never let me down. So, when something changes and hope is taken out of a situation, I'm left in a place of despair. Instead of having faith in Abba, and hope for His desires for my life, I tend to have faith in what "I" can make happen, or faith in another person. Basically, building my house on sand instead of solid rock.

  It is my firm belief that God made me a person who hopes easily and passionately, for a reason. I don't want the harshness of the world to steal my hope, and I know that if I have to deal with heartache again and again, it will. That means, I need to learn to carefully place it on a solid foundation, and not one which will crumble and fall. Just something I'm learning and working on.

2017-2018

   Ever since the fall of 2014 when I attended G42U, I can safely say that each year has only gotten better. Not that I haven't had struggles and hard times, but something shifted that year. I know a piece of that is my relationship with God grew in a huge way, which means that my out-look on life changed. Suddenly I had this deeper understanding of the love of my Father, which gave me more hope and in turn I was filled with more joy.

   2017 was no exception. 2017 was the year that I really got plugged into Rockpile Church. It was the year I grew vocally by learning how to harmonize. It was the year that I made a whole bunch of friends. In 2017 I found a job that I truly enjoy. I was blessed with another niece, giving me 10 nieces and nephews. I spent my first Christmas away from home with amazing friends in Ruidoso, New Mexico. I learned a lot about myself in 2017.

   I begin 2018 with hope for my future. I have so much that I want to accomplish this year.
I want to continue to grow musically. Vocal growth will always be a focus of mine, but this year I'm adding learning to play the piano.
I want to get back into reading. Not just the fiction books that I love, but also a long list of non-fiction books I've been wanting to dig into.
I honestly don't know what 2018 has to bring me. I don't know if it will be the year I go back to school. I don't know if it will be the year I move out of Texas (or at least out of the hill country). Maybe in 2019 I'll look back and there will be no major physical changes, but so much internal change.

  Abby and I had some really good hangout time the other night and in that, we spent some time waiting on the Lord for words for each other's year. For me, Abby got a few pictures:
1) I was on a boat and I was reading one of those fishing radars that tracks movement.
2) I was in Big Bend leading a group of people through the canyon in which my friends and I had such a bad experience (long story if you haven't heard it). I was telling them what they should and shouldn't do, speaking from a place of experience. She said that she could see me doing that with people. That she felt the picture meant that I had experience and wisdom to share.
3) Next, I was in a doctor's office. The doctor was listening to my heart and clicks his tongue saying "This isn't good. You haven't been silly enough.". He told me I had been caring too much what people thought of me.
4) Last, she saw me walking across a stage to get my college degree. I was so chill about it, like I didn't see it as a big deal. I just bound across the stage, took the diploma, and said peace out. I hopped off the stage and got into a spaceship haha. She felt that it was just saying that a college degree isn't a make it or break it for me.


  I'm excited to see what 2018 has for me. Obviously I have my dreams for the year, but I know that no matter what, it will be an awesome year. So here's to a year of seeking His face and seeking the hearts of those around me. Here's to learning how to let my silly show and not give a crap what people might think. 

live

   This morning I was catching up with a sweet friend I hadn't seen in awhile. We were talking about life. I made a comment about how something I'm dealing with is exciting, but honestly really scary too. Her response struck me. She said, "That feeling never really goes away. The older we get, but more used to it we are, but it's something that we will always experience."

   Recently I was reminded of a conversation a old friend and I had. He was telling me about something that happened to him and it ended with God saying " we don't make fear based decisions."

  Both conversations are ringing in my mind. A lot about life scares me. A lot about *my* life scares me, but I never want to be one to make my decisions based on fear. In the fight or flight frame of mind, flight usually means fear for me. I tend to run instead of sticking it out and putting in the work. So I'm challenging myself to not run. I'm challenging myself to try new things and be adventurous. I'm young. I have so much life to live, and I want to live it to the fullest.

Finding myself in the midst of life

  I'm the type of person who easily loses herself in the hustle and bustle of life. Part of it is laziness, but it also has a lot to do with the fact that at the end of a busy day at work, I just want to turn off. I don't want to have to be a person. I've always struggled with hobbies because of this. It's not that I don't want to do things, but a lot of the time, it takes another person saying "let's do this thing", for me to be a productive human outside of work and adult requirements.

  I say all this not because I want to complain about my tendency to apathy in my life, but because I genuinely want to be better. I've grown a lot in 2017 with my vocal abilities. Those of you who know me well, know that singing is one of my favorite things in life. I honestly can't put into words what it does to my soul. So the fact that I have expanded my abilities this year is very exciting to me. It's awakened something in me that doesn't want to stop growing in the things I enjoy.

  My friend who has been giving me voice lessons suggested I learn piano, and even offered to teach me. Now, I took piano and guitar lessons as a child. I always quit because I didn't have enough drive, and honestly? Because Singing always came so easy to me, that having to push so much to learn an instrument was frustrating for me. But guys? I really want to be able to sit behind a piano and have my own little worship time. When I want to sing one of my favorite songs, I don't want to have to choose between singing a Capella or using a recording. I want to be able show off my God given talent and play/sing at my favorite coffee shop. I want those things so bad it makes my insides ache.

  It goes so much deeper than my desire to say "yeah, I have hobbies." . Along with my musical desires, I really want to start writing. Recently one of my patients and I were talking. She is an older woman who is an avid reader, as well as writer. I was sharing with her my desire to write about my dad's life, as other family members. I love history, so why wouldn't want the history of my own family documented? She was telling me, it's not about writing everything perfectly and knowing the whole story, but it's about making a list of what you do know and fleshing it out. The polishing will come when it comes. Now, technically I knew that, but I'd never thought about it in such simple terms. I also thought that to write about my dad, I needed to know everything. That isn't true. I need to do what all writers do, and write what I know.

  So here I am; documenting a moment in my life when I am expressing the desire to be more than what I am to other people. But to have substance even in my own time. Here's to growing and learning.